I am perfectionistic. Maybe even a little OCD. Crooked pictures bother me. I hate finding spelling errors. I walk through our auditorium during the week and straighten out chairs.
Part of it is probably my personality…some from my family background and experiences…some from just plain weirdness (or maybe I should say “uniqueness” to make it sound better).
I remember the beginning of my sophomore year of Bible college. The first chapel service was focused on “praise reports” from the past summer. My classmates began standing up left and right talking about successful ministries…exciting mission trips…changed lives. I sat there thinking about my summer. I served as a youth intern in my home church. I expected to impact the church…I expected to pack out some Bible studies…I expected to change the world. Instead, my Bible studies barely drew a handful. My planned activities pretty much bombed. And I got chewed out by the pastor in front of the youth for a fairly innocent 19-year-old youth intern mistake.
I sat there feeling like a failure.
It certainly wasn’t the biggest failure in the world but in many ways it was an awakening in me that “success”…in ministry and in life…would be a whole lot more elusive and disappointing than I originally thought.
That same feeling of failure would continue to plague me at different times in my life.
Failing in competitions. Failing in sports. Failing in relationships. Failing my own expectations. Failing the expectations of others.
Failing as a son. Failing as a friend. Failing as a husband. Failing as a father. Failing as a man.
Just plain failing to measure up.
I have discovered that behind the drive to be perfect…to be successful in the eyes of others…is often a dreadful fear of failure.
In John 16:8, Jesus says that when the Holy Spirit comes, He will convict the world of sin, of righteousness, and of judgment.
This is the inner witness of God’s Spirit…in the heart of every individual who enters this world.
Righteousness. There is a righteous standard.
Sin. I fall short of it.
Judgment. I will be held accountable.
The Spirit works in concert with our consciences to amplify this inner awareness that there is a right way that we should act…there is a type of person that we should be…and we simply don’t measure up.
The universal ability to give excuses demonstrates this truth. No one has to teach you how to make excuses. It comes naturally to the human heart.
In the book, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), social psychologist Carol Travis notes the following:
Most people, when directly confronted by evidence that they are wrong, do not change their point of view or course of action but justify it even more tenaciously. Even irrefutable evidence is rarely enough to pierce the mental armor of self-justification.
We hate being confronted with our failures…our mistakes…our selfish acts….so we become tenacious perfectionists, superficial succeeders, expert excuse-givers, master blame-shifters, critical comparers, self-deceived self-justifiers.
But the Spirit’s work of conviction…that nagging sense of falling short…is not meant to condemn…but to awaken.
We do fall short.
We do fail.
We are not the people that we are supposed to be.
But there is hope. There is a Savior. There is One who met the righteous standard…who bore our sin..who received our judgment.
His name is Jesus.
For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. (2 Corinthians 5:21)
Or put another way…
God made Jesus Christ, the only Perfect One who walked this earth, the full bearer of everything in us that fell short of His perfect standard…by taking our sin on the cross…out of His incomprehensible love…in order that He could freely give us the gift of righteousness…forgiveness…redemption…beautiful perfection…in Christ.
It is a divine exchange.
My failures for His perfection.
My sin for His righteousness.
My condemnation for His freedom.
My shame for His glory.
My death for His life.
That nagging sense of failure can still hit me. Almost every day as a pastor…as a Christian…I can feel like I fall short.
Not living the way I am supposed to.
Not loving the way I am supposed to.
Not leading the way I am supposed to.
God’s grace does not give me an excuse to fail. It does not add to my self-justifying ways.
Rather it gives me permission to admit my failures…and to know that I am still loved.
And it gives me power to overcome my failures…and to keep moving forward with joy.
Like a child learning to walk.
My Father does not scream at me whenever I fall.
Instead He smiles, picks me up, dusts me off, and sets me back on my feet…to learn to walk in His holiness…to learn to walk in His love.
Here is a simple dose of reality: You are not perfect. You are not perfect in your thoughts…in your motives…in your words…in your actions. That means that every day….really every moment…you fall short in some capacity. Maybe you think you don’t fall short as much as the person next to you…but you still fall short. And your critical critique of your neighbor implicates you even more.
So the question is not “do you fail?” rather it is “what will you do with your failures?”
As for me…I am going to run to the One whose love never fails.
