It has been two weeks since my Achilles injury. My activities have been limited ever since then. Simple tasks have become more difficult and time-consuming. Most of my time has been spent sitting in a recliner with my leg propped up.
Considering my limited mobility and activity, I have done pretty well emotionally the past two weeks. The change of pace was actually kind of nice. Before the injury, I rarely had a chance to simply sit, reflect, write, journal, read for extended periods of time. The slower pace was good.
But yesterday my emotions were down. The inactivity is beginning to wear on me. My inability is becoming discouraging.
It probably started when we were in PA and a friend took our boys to an indoor sports park. I sat and watched them play baseball for about an hour and a half. It was frustrating not being a part of the fun. I love playing sports with my boys. I realized at that moment how long and how limited this recovery period will be.
I also began feeling like a burden. The first two weeks the injury was sort of novel. Being cared for did not seem like such an imposition. After all, I have been sick before and have needed help from others. But I have never been sick for two weeks. I have never been unable to care for myself or help out around the house for an extended period of time.
There is a human sense of reciprocity. I help you out, you help me out. You do this for me, and I do this for you. It is sort of a balance of responsibility. I know personally when I start feeling like I am carrying most of the load, like the other person is not doing their fair share, then I can start getting frustrated. I can pull the extra load for awhile, but eventually I need the other person to contribute. Now I am the one on the other side of the coin. I am the one not able to pull my load, share the responsibility, contribute my part. After awhile, you can start feeling guilty, worthless, like a burden.
I don’t like seeing my wife carry the extra burden…especially without being able to contribute in some other areas. I usually clean up after dinner, do the dishes, take out the garbage, care for the lawn, share the driving, or help pick up the clutter around the house. I can help some now but my ability is severely limited. Going on crutches, I can’t even carry a book without some difficulty. I can barely maneuver around the house. I can’t stand for more than two or three minutes at a time.
Obviously I am reflecting on this more than I should be. But when all you have time to do is reflect, then you can’t help yourself.
I am gaining a small sense of how those with chronic illness or long-term handicaps must feel. It is hard not to feel like a burden, like an imposition. How many times can you ask someone to help you before they start to feel irritated with you? I find myself saying, “Thank you,” over and over. I want the other person to know how much I appreciate their help…and I don’t want them to get tired of me.
I wonder if this sense of reciprocity is what makes God’s grace so hard to accept. I have to do something, don’t I, God? How can You love me unconditionally when I have done nothing to earn that love? How can You not get tired of me when all I do is ask for help over and over? But thankfully God’s love is unlimited and His resources are unending.
28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. (Isaiah 40:28-29)
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Psalm 118:1)
Thank You, God, that You never get tired of me.
Thank you for sharing. It really helps to know that there are strong Christian men struggling the same way that you are. When the burden is shared it becomes easier to bear.