Recovering from my Achilles injury has given me some time to read. One of the books I recently finished was John Bunyan’s autobiography,Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, written in 1666. Bunyan was the author of the classic, Pilgrim’s Progress, and was imprisoned for twelve years in England for his faith.
Typically when we think of the great Christian leaders of the past, we think that they had a strong, unwavering faith—a faith far more advanced and stronger than our own. But Bunyan was not a man without intense spiritual struggles, fears and doubt.
Bunyan wrote his autobiography for his children. In his introduction, he states why.
…If you have sinned against the light, if you are tempted to blaspheme, if you are drowned in despair, if you think God fights against you, or if heaven is hid from your eyes; remember it was thus with your father; but “out of them all the Lord delivered me” (8).
Bunyan was a “wild child” growing up. As a youth, he states, I had but few equals both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God. Though he was the very ringleader of all the youth, he had fearful torments of hellfire and was greatly afflicted in his mind with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits (10-11).
In his early 20’s, Bunyan began his journey of faith with Christ. Several things caught Bunyan’s attention: the death of a soldier who took Bunyan’s post one night while he served in the army, his marriage to a wife who had a godly heritage, the rebuke of an immoral older woman who thought Bunyan was the ungodliest fellow…that she had ever heard in all her life (16), and the godly faith of some older believers in his community.
Coming to Christ, however, did not alleviate all of Bunyan’s problems. In fact, his struggles intensified.
Bunyan’s mind rarely rested and he constantly struggled with fear, doubt, spiritual attacks, and questions about his own faith. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. …I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better than this dreadful state of mine (36).
Bunyan felt alone in his struggles. This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone (37).
Bunyan’s biggest fear was that he had committed the unpardonable sin of blasphemy of the Spirit (Mark 3:28-29). He felt a constant urge in his heart to “sell Christ,” to give him up for the world, to forsake Him and follow after Satan. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, “Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him.”:against which, I may say, for whole hours together. …And sometimes the Tempter would make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days together (46).
This constant mental struggle was not a passing occurrence but a daily reality for several years in Bunyan’s life. It eventually led to deeper despair and depression.
And now was I both a burden and a terror to myself; nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! Anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! (49)
To find comfort, Bunyan finally decided to share his struggle with another believer. I told him all my case. I told him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, [that] he thought so, too. Here therefore I had but cold comfort… (59). Did you catch that? Bunyan was in an intense spiritual struggle, feeling like he was doomed and condemned, and another believer basically told him, “Yeah, you probably did commit that sin and probably are rather doomed.”
Like Job’s friends, other believers often speak without thinking and unwittingly add to a person’s burden rather than helping to bear it (Galatians 6:1). Job lamented regarding his friends, “You are all worthless physicians! Oh, that you would be silent, and it would be your wisdom!” (Job 13:4b-5)
Relief came to Bunyan only when he remembered, reflected on, and repeated God’s grace.
“My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee,” three times together. And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as “My” and “grace” and “sufficient” and “for thee” (68).
Other verses that sustained Bunyan were Isaiah 44:22, Jeremiah 31:3, John 14:19, Romans 8:31, 8:38-39, Colossians 1:20, Hebrews 13:5, James 2:13, 1 John 1:7. Bunyan also found great comfort in Martin Luther’s commentary on Galatians. I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience (45).
Bunyan’s victory was not instantaneous but rather a slow recovery through much difficulty.
By these words [My grace if sufficient for thee] I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever a heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience… (68).
After many years of struggle and slow progress, Bunyan finally reached a place of inner peace. God’s grace is what brought him there. Pilgrim’s Progress grew out of his own personal story. Looking back, Bunyan saw three great purposes in his great emotional and mental turmoil.
First, by this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son (80).
Second, the scriptures also were wonderful things to me; I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys to the kingdom of heaven (80).
Third, I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty (82).
Grace. Amazing grace. Grace abounding to the chief of sinners.
What is grace? The unmerited and unconditional love, blessing, and favor of God. Because of the death of Christ, God’s justice has been satisfied. Our sins have been covered. Our guilt has been removed. But like any gift, grace must be received. God has demonstrated His love toward us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). When sin is acknowledged and grace is received, a person is placed in Jesus Christ. God only sees the purity and righteousness of Christ when He looks at us. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). In Christ, we eat, drink, breathe, and live in grace.
