HEELCATCHER

In honor of our 27th anniversary on June 22, here are 27 things that I have learned about marriage.

1. Love deepens over time. I certainly loved Liz when I married her 27 years ago but I really didn't understand the depths of love or what it really meant to love someone. Love is only built on knowledge, commitment, and intimacy developed and experienced over time. 

2. To have a good marriage marry a good person. I wish I could take more credit for the health of my marriage but in reality I was just blessed to marry a godly woman with strong character. She has been the perfect complement for me and has made me a better man. The only credit I can take is seeking out a Christian wife with a good testimony. But the rest was a step of faith and the grace of God. 

3. Marriage doesn't resolve your personal issues rather it exposes them. If you go into marriage thinking that your spouse will solve all your problems, fill all your voids, and meet all your deepest needs, then you will be sorely disappointed. You must bring emotional and spiritual health into the marriage, not expect emotional and spiritual health to come from the marriage. 

4. The first year of marriage is one of the toughest…and honeymoons are fairly disappointing. I can't say that our honeymoon or our first year of marriage were "bad." They had their fun, enjoyable moments. But, looking back, they were definitely not the "perpetual moments of bliss" that I dreamed they would be. Instead they were much more awkward, stressful, and difficult than I could have expected.

5. Marriage is hard work. Marriages that are coasting are going downhill. It takes time and effort to build a relationship and to learn how to listen well, understand your spouse's needs, resolve conflict, forgive from the heart, and make changes in your character and habits for the benefit of your marriage.

6. Don't go to bed angry with each other. One of the few pieces of advice that we grabbed onto early in our marriage was from Ephesians 4:26, Don't let the sun go down on your anger. We have stuck to that piece of advice…even when it meant staying up late to have a difficult conversation…and it has kept our marriage from a lot of misunderstanding and bitterness.

7. Don't play competitive games against your spouse. Maybe some marriages can handle this but we can't. Our first fight was over a game of Boggle. Yes, Boggle. I questioned her score and she questioned my trust in her. Fun stuff. We are both competitive and we found it almost impossible to play against each other without it resulting in some unneeded tension. We have chosen to be on the same team as much as possible ever since.

8. Work as a team. Piggybacking on the above, we have sought to tackle things in life as a team instead of as competitors. Instead of letting an issue divide us, we have tried to use it to bring us together. A problem is either an opportunity to work together as a team or ammunition to use in a war. We have strived to choose the former. 

9. Move away from home. Okay, maybe this doesn't work or isn't necessary for everyone but for us it was a blessing to be away from our parents and families during the early years of our marriage. We were forced to grow together as a couple apart from the "roles" that we often play in our families. This is the "leave principle" in Genesis 2:24 and it must be done emotionally if not geographically. 

10. Avoid debt. Again, some people can't avoid this but being free from debt in the early years of our marriage took a lot of stress off our backs. We have kept a tight lid on our finances throughout our marriage…operating from a tangible but flexible budget…and it has removed one big marital problem off the table for us. 

11. Parenting is a major stress on marriage. Our biggest fights and frustrations came after we had our first little bundle of joy. Tiredness. Different parenting approaches. Lack of free time. Responsibility. Irritableness. Unmet expectations. All of it came to a head with our first child. Thankfully we had seven years of marriage under our belt to help us work through it but it was a major stressor nonetheless. People who think that having a child will strengthen a weak marriage or correct a poor relationship are living in a fantasy world. 

12. Parenting is the greatest adventure that you will take together. Despite the stresses mentioned above, looking back, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Parenting together over the years opened up parts of our hearts that we didn't know existed. It drew us closer together, expanded our love, and made life an adventure. Our boys turned us from a couple into a family.

13. Share email accounts, Facebook, and computers. For us this has been a simple way to avoid potential temptations and distractions in our marriage.

14. Share your spiritual life together. Go to church together, discuss Scripture together, pray together, serve together. As a pastor, many of these things would be expected but Liz and I have still had to grow in our spiritual "oneness." It doesn't happen automatically so find ways to stay connected spiritually and to remind yourselves that life is bigger than you and your individual wants. 

15. Avoid marital scorekeeping. Scorekeeping is a killer to marriages. "I've done this, this, and this…and you have only done this… thus you owe me." We got trapped in this thinking briefly after having kids. Thankfully we recognized it and stopped it.

16. "Catch the little foxes"…and exterminate them. In the Bible's love song, a young couple is encouraged to get rid of the "little foxes" before they ruin their vineyard (cf. Song of Songs 2:15). This is not agricultural advice but practical advice put into poetic language. Little conflicts, little irritations, little temptations easily creep into a marriage and then later destroy it. Be vigilant and wise and quickly and decisively eliminate anything that could harm your marriage.

17. Marry your best friend. Physical attraction is certainly a real element in choosing a mate but in the end it won't make or preserve a good marriage. I found that even when we were not officially dating, Liz and I kept spending time together. Our friendship has made our marriage…and our physical attraction…that much stronger. 

18. Learn to appreciate your differences. Liz and I are very different. She is decisive, blunt, cut and dry, and loves discipline and schedules. I am more indecisive, contemplative, creative, and love a more laid back approach. She can manage many things; I prefer to focus on one thing at a time. When we were dating, we were attracted by the differences. A few years into marriage, we became aggravated by the differences. But over time, by God's grace, we have become amused by the differences. We have learned to laugh at ourselves and the different ways we do things…and to appreciate how we both have grown by being married to someone different than ourselves. As Ruth Bell Graham once said, "If two people agree on everything, then one of them is unnecessary."

19. Plan weekly date nights. After having kids, this is especially essential for a marriage. We have made a weekly date night a priority in our marriage. Usually we use a coupon or a gift card for dinner and then find a coffee shop to hang out in to talk about our week and take a "pulse" of our marriage and family. Our kids know that our marriage relationship with each other takes priority over over our parenting relationship to them…and they are thankful for it! It is awesome to hear them say, "Hey, aren't y'all taking a date night soon?"  

20. Find ways to keep the romance alive. A surprise gift. An unexpected love note. A lingering kiss. A playful hint. Don't let the creativity of the dating years turn into the familiarity of the marriage years. Enjoy the gift of marriage and plumb the depths of its joy.

21. Take note of each other's "love language." The love language thing can be taken overboard but it has been something that we have noted in our marriage. The best way for me to say "I love you" to Liz is to do acts of service for her–wash the dishes, pick up around the house, clean the bathrooms. For me, I need to hear words of encouragement. The funny thing is that we discovered early on that gift giving is not high on either of our lists. We both returned our first Christmas gifts to each other. Since then, we have decided to shop together for things we want and simply go out to eat together on special occasions. 

22. Sleep in a small bed. Okay, again this is just our experience but we have never owned a bed bigger than a full size. It has kept us close at night and not allowed us to retreat to our own corner of the bed in times of conflict. 

23. Intimacy is built on security. I think I am finally beginning to understand Genesis 2:25, They were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. It is more than just a physical thing. It is a feeling of total vulnerability with your spouse that only comes from the security of a lifelong commitment reinforced over time. Intimacy is only bulit on vulnerability and vulnerability only comes within security. It is awesome to experience a relationship with no barriers, hidden agendas, fears, or regrets. 

24. Marry young. I certainly recognize that this isn't always possible…or wise. But for us, marrying at a relatively young age (22 and 20) enabled us to grow together through the early stages of adulthood. We developed our life patterns together, aligned our life direction together, faced life decisions together, and were forced to grow in responsibility and commitment sooner. 

25. Sexual purity is worth it. Remaining sexually pure as a young adult was one of the toughest challenges I have ever faced, yet looking back I am so glad that I made that commitment. Enjoying intimacy with my wife with no other thoughts of anyone else brings a closeness that I can't imagine being any better.

26. Monogamy is worth it. I am convinced that being committed to one woman over time brings the highest sexual satisfaction. Sexual intimacy is definitely a learning process that only gets better and better over time.  

27. Marriage is a blessing from God. With divorce rates on the rise, cohabitation the norm, and redefinition the trend, marriage is on the ropes in many respects. But I have found that trusting God's design and following God's ways has made our marriage as strong and as satisfying as any human relationship can be. I give God the glory for His good gift of marriage. And if the intimacy keeps getting better and the love keeps growing deeper then I can't wait for the next 27 years! 

We are going through the Psalms this summer in church. My son, Nate, wrote a poem, actually more of a rap, after we finished studying Psalm 8. It is a good reminder of the glories of creation and the evidence of God’s handiwork.

One hundred and eighty six thousand … miles per second
One hundred and eighty six thousand … miles per second

A light year should cause such a buzz
But for humanity it never really does
We live our lives in such a rush
Too busy to stop, to think, to hush

Consider the heavens and the stars
How far apart they really are
Go 186000 miles per second for a year
And Alpha Centuri won’t even seem near

Meanwhile the atoms that make up who we are
Contain more power than a neutron star
They are 99.99% empty space
Every breath we take is a gift of grace

Still we laugh in God’s face
Take pride in the things that man creates
Making it to the moon isn’t an accomplishment
We haven’t even scratched the surface yet

If the moon was closer. We’d all die
If the sun was closer. We’d all die
If Jupiter didn’t block asteroids. We’d all die
If God was gone and didn’t provide. We’d all die

We applaud the theories of Hawking
When we should be stopping and gawking
At glories in the skies
At the mercy in His eyes

Saying

How excellent is your name Lord, in all the Earth.
You set your glory in the skies, high above the Earth.
How magnificent is your name Lord, in all the land
You hold the galaxies in the span of your hand.

Four thousand and two hundred … Beats per minute
Four thousand and two hundred … Beats per minute

That’s how fast a hummingbird can fly
Faster than the blink of an eye
Have you ever stopped and wondered why
Caterpillars turn into butterflies.

How come we don’t find it a surprise
All the nutrients the ground supplies
What we consider waste goes to fertilize
The things we eat to keep us alive
That should blow our minds

To much of the breath we exhale is poisonous
But for both the plants and the trees it’s a must
And how nice of them to produce oxygen
So we fragile humans can take a breath again

The bombardier beetle has two chemicals it’s holdin’
That when mixed together cause an explosion,
That in turn causes predators to desist
Checkmate atheists

Sea cucumbers can regrow their intestines. They just replicate.
The earth has dynamic ecosystems. Science can’t duplicate.
The complexity of surrounding life; We should contemplate.
Nature proclaims the praises of God. We should reciprocate.

But we would much rather believe in natural selection
Then in a holy God’s perfection
Because we want our sin to escape detection
While we take for granted God’s protection.
But we should be saying.

How excellent is your name Lord, in all the Earth.
You’ve shown your glory in nature, it’s your handiwork.
How magnificent is your name Lord, in all the land
You hold the continents in the palm of your hand.

Two million five hundred thousand … Cells per second
Two million five hundred thousand … Cells per second

That is how many of our body’s cells die
We are dying while we’re still alive
Cells reproducing rapidly just to survive
All working interdependently or else we would die

Consider the miracle of conception
A human life form at its inception
It starts from a single cell
Nine months later you could never tell

Twenty-two days and the heart starts to beat
Five months in and he’s kicking his feet
God’s providence is so easy to see
But that’s not what they said to me

“A human fetus is just a clump of tissues”
Man, y’all have got issues
A single human eye has thousands of parts so you can see the view in them
And when babies come out of the womb they have two of them

What is man that God is mindful of him
What do we have to warrant his loving
Gaze upon us
Grace that’s on us
I’m in a haze if I’m honest
I’m amazed that you want us

As crazy as this world is
Nothing is crazier
Than you entering in
And being our Savior
Which is why I say

How excellent is your name Lord, in all the Earth.
You’ve shown your glory in my life, I’m your handiwork.
How magnificent is your name Lord, in all the lands
You have this frail form cradled in your hands

On February 14, 2018, Nikolas Cruz walked into his former school in Parkland, Florida armed with an AR-15 semiautomatic weapon and a desire to kill.

17 people…brave teachers and innocent high school students…seven of them 14 years old…died.

I can't wrap my mind around the loss of 17 lives, killed in such a senseless, violent way. As a parent of three teenagers and a 12-year old, I can't imagine what my kids would go through…mentally, emotionally, spiritually…if they were exposed to such a mass shooting in their midst. The event would change their lives, skew their view of the world, and create nightmares that they may never be able to shake.

And if any of them were a victim of such an event, as a parent, I am not sure how I would react, respond, or recover.

Putting myself in the shoes of those in Parkland, Florida is a terrifying thought.

Ironically, and perhaps intentionally, the shooting occured on Valentine's Day, a day in which we are called to celebrate and express love.

That day was also Ash Wednesday, a day in which we are to remember our sinfulness and mortality and are called to repent.

A tragedy of this magnitude should call all of us to stop, reflect, and come together in a time of mourning.

As humans, we are all mortal. We are all vulnerable. We are all in this together.

Instead we have become such a polarized culture that even tragedy doesn't bring us together.

It actually moves us further apart.

We retreat to our respective political and ideological corners. Blame the other side. Defend our own position. And grow more angry, cynical, and divided.

Instead of being "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger," we become the opposite…closed to listening, quick to argue, and enflamed in anger.

As I listen to the arguments about gun control or gun rights, I realize that there is truth on both sides. A 19 year old with mental health issues should not have access to an AR-15. If I was a parent whose child just got killed by a semi-automatic weapon, I would want to ban them too. I would also want greater security and the ability to protect myself from those who have a desire to kill. I would want the FBI to do a better job of following up on warning signs. I would want better mental health services. I would want more respect for life, less broken homes, less violence in the media, less lawlessness, and more kindness.

I would want any potential situation in the world that would have prevented this tragedy.

I would want my child back.

But in the midst of the loss, I think more than anything I would want the tragedy to mean something. I want would it to lead to some meaningful change, to bring together a divided nation in common repentance and resolve.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we are all part of the problem. Yes, Nikolas Cruz bears the culpability alone for the murderous choices he made. But he is a part of our humanity, a part of our culture, and his crime reveals something about the state of our human hearts.

Jesus said:  “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire (Matthew 5:21-22).

At the root of murder is an angry, hateful, desensitized, dehumanizing heart.

When I insult or curse another human being, I say that their life has no value in the eyes of God. I raise myself up above them. I begin to think that my life would be better off if they were not a part of it.

My anger contributes to a toxic culture…and a toxic culture breeds toxic individuals.

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander (Matthew 15:18-19).

Ultimately the tragedy that occured in Parkland, Florida is not a political issue. It is a heart issue.

Laws can curb some evil but they cannot cure the human heart.

That's what repentance is for.

That's the meaning of Ash Wednesday.

There is a God. We are made in His image. We have sinned against Him. We are accountable to Him. We are mortal.

And we need His grace.

We need a Savior.

Our nation now scoffs when God or prayer are brought up in the midst of tragedy. Such "religious wishful thinking" seems meaningless to a prideful, self-autonomous, contemptuous culture.

But that is part of the problem.

We are too angry to weep. Too proud to see our need.

Perhaps the words of a president in the midst of our nation's most divided, violent, and tragic time can still speak to us today.

Whereas it is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God, to confess their sins and transgressions in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon, and to recognize the sublime truth, announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord;

And, insomuch as we know that by His divine law nations, like individuals, are subjected to punishments and chastisements in this world, may we not justly fear that the awful calamity of civil war which now desolates the land may be but a punishment inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins, to the needful end of our national reformation as a whole people?

We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven; we have been preserved these many years in peace and prosperity; we have grown in numbers, wealth, and power as no other nation has ever grown.

But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us, and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us.

It behooves us, then, to humble ourselves before the offended Power, to confess our national sins, and to pray for clemency and forgiveness.

(Abraham Lincoln, Proclamation 97—Appointing a Day of National Humiliation, Fasting, and Prayer, March 30, 1863)

O Lord, comfort the hearts of those grieving. Give them a peace beyond understanding and a hope beyond this cruel world. Give me a humble heart that grieves with them. Forgive our sins as a people. And please heal our land.

Another mass shooting. 59 dead. Over 500 wounded.

You simply can’t wrap your mind around it.

One tragic death radically changes the lives of countless people. Spouses gone. Fathers and mothers killed. Brothers and sisters taken away. Friends lost.

The repercussions are almost endless. The ripples touch generations to come.

The responses are predictable. Gun control. Mental health. Politics. Religion. Posturing. Blameshifting. Speculating.

Everyone has an opinion. Social media provides the platform. Divisions increase. Animosity grows. But the loss remains.

In the wake of such a senseless, sickening tragedy, prayer is the appropriate response. Though many dismiss prayer as a waste of time, there are times when all we can do is pray.

Prayer is a way of saying…that this tragedy is beyond comprehension, that there are some things outside our control, that the loss is real, that our hearts are knit together with those suffering, that the only comfort for those who have lost loved ones is for there to be life, purpose, and meaning outside this cruel world.

Prayer humbles us, unites us, opens us up to the strength and grace of God.

There is a time for discourse. A time for civil debate. But we must avoid the tendency to throw out simple, all-encompassing solutions. Banning certain types of guns is a worthy discussion but an honest conversation must also include the breakdown of the family, the abdication of fatherhood, the promulgation of violence as entertainment, the loss of respect for human life, the glorification of lawlessness, the increase of anxiety and depression, the widespread use of drugs, a postmodern culture where “everyone does what is right in their own eyes,” and the simple evil of the human heart.

But now is not the time to argue.

Now is not the time to retreat to our ideological corners to cast stones at one another.

Now is the time to pray.

To acknowledge our humanity.

To weep with those who weep.

To realize our weakness and mortality.

To wrestle with suffering.

To ask for God’s wisdom.

To seek God’s comfort.

To receive God’s grace.

An unwillingness to bend the knee before God reveals a mind convinced that it has all the answers. A heart hardened in self-sufficiency. A will determined not to yield.

As Abraham Lincoln proclaimed in the midst of the devastation and division of the Civil War.

We have grown in numbers, wealth and power, as no other nation has ever grown. But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us.

A culture too proud to pray soon becomes too self-focused to care.

So humble yourself and pray.

Pray for those who are injured.

Pray for those fighting for their lives.

Pray for those mourning the loss of loved ones.

Pray for Las Vegas.

Pray for our nation.

Pray that once again, in the face of tragedy, we will be one nation under God.