A Few Thoughts from Baton Rouge

It has been quite a week in our city.

A tragedy happened on July 5. Right or wrong, justified or unjustified, fear-motivated or race-motivated, a human life was taken. And from all accounts, it did not need to happen.

But it did.

The editorial in the local Baton Rouge newspaper on July 7 captured the tragedy well.

A grave complication of viral videos is that the lives depicted in the moving images can become reduced rather than enlarged. Instead of individuals, we begin to see icons of some dry, uppercase abstraction — Racism, Poverty, Crime, Police Brutality.

Conscience calls us to remember that the men in the Sterling videos — not only Sterling, but the policemen who were with him — are human beings, not merely characters in a morbid blockbuster. To treat them as anything less is to diminish all human life, which would be a tragedy in itself.

I lament for the family and friends of Alton Sterling. I lament as well for the police officers and their families who will replay that night over and over in their heads and feel the effects for the rest of their lives.

Somehow we have lost sight of our common humanity. Video and social media tend to make events less real. Stereotypes turn fellow humans into caricatures that rarely fit the complexity of who we really are.

I am sure racism still exists in America. We are divided, fearful, unsure of one another. I can't crawl into the skin of another human being. I don't know what it is like. I can't pretend that I do.

Proverbs 14:10 reminds us that the heart knows its own bitterness and no stranger shares its joy. In some sense, we are all isolated from one another. I can't assume that I know what anyone else is going through, what they have experienced, what they feel, what they fear. 

And no one can truly understand my own heart either. I even struggle to understand myself at times.

That is why things don't fit into easy categories. That is why the narrative of the media never tells the whole story. That is why the issues go much deeper than skin color.

As I have gone through the past few days in Baton Rouge, I have felt a mixture of sadness, burden, discouragement, fear, frustration, oppression. The divide in our nation seems so wide. True dialogue seems to have disappeared. Anger. Vengeance. Lawlessness seem to rule the day.

I have been driven to my knees. I pray for our nation. I pray for those in law enforcement. I pray for those who feel like victims in their own communities. I pray for pastors and churches. I pray for my own boys, wondering what kind of world they will inherit.

But I can't give in to fear. I can't retreat. I can't solve the problems of the world but I can continue to show love, to seek to understand, to pursue peace.

It is not the big act posted on social media that makes the difference but the smaller ones done day to day that are rarely seen.

Through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another (Galatians 5:13b-15).

The wounds are deep in our nation. But I know One whose wounds are deeper.

True justice and true grace intersect on the Cross where Christ also suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God (1 Peter 3:18).

The ground is level at the foot of the Cross.

That's the one place where we all stand united.

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Exclusion & Embrace

Every once in awhile you pick up a book, try to read it, and then put it down.

Exclusion & Embrace by Yale professor, Miroslav Volf, is one of those books. I tried to read it several years ago and found it to be too wordy, too philosophical, and way above my head.

But recently I have come back to it. And though it is still hard to understand, I have found some real gems in it and it has stretched my thinking.

Volf is a Croatian theologian and he writes from that background. He watched his native land get torn apart by hatred, division, and war thus he longs to understand how divergent people and cultures can truly live together in peace.

Many of us wonder the same thing.

Our world is coming apart at the seams. A "new tribalism" is occuring across the globe. We are finding more and more reasons to separate from one another–race, ethnicity, politics, religion, culture, economics, gender, and now even sexual orientation and gender identity.

As increasing populations and a shrinking world push us more and more together, we are finding more and more ways to push apart.

Universalists say we need a "one world government" to hold us together. Multiculturists say we need to encourage the multiplication of these tribes and even promote cultural differences. And postmodernists say we should simply encourage individual autonomy, allowing people to do what they want and to form their own identities–wayward and erratic vagabonds, ambivalent and fragmented, always on the move and never doing much more than making moves (20).

Volf says that the solution will not be found in the right kind of governmental system, philosophical approach, or social arrangement. All of these kind of solutions assume that the issue is external to us. Instead, Volf proposes that the issue is internal, a matter of our hearts, and thus the only path to peace will be found in being the right kind of person.

There is much to digest in Volf's book but here is the main premise as I see it:

To a world desperate for relational peace but increasingly fragmented, the solution is found in the character of God and the cross of Christ.

Perhaps this sounds too simplistic but Volf makes a compelling case, exploring the intricacies of academic philosophy and complexities of real-world problems, to show that there really is no other solution.

Only in the character of God, as demonstrated on the cross of Christ, do we see the perfect balance of justice and grace, only there do we understand that the pathway to relational peace always involves self-giving, sacrifice, and suffering.

Here is reality: We are different. We form identities of who we are. We associate with those most like us. We tend to exclude and separate from those different than us. We justify our own opinions and actions. We vilify those who disagree with us. We oppress and feel justified. We even play the victim and "oppress the oppressor" and feel justified.

In a world so manifestly drenched with evil everybody is innocent in their own eyes (79).

The cycle of hatred and violence is hard to break. Only someone willing to bear the injustice and extend an embrace to the violator can create the space for reconcilation.

This is the cross of Christ.

To break the world cleanly into victims and violators ignores the depths of each person's participation in cultural sin. There simply are no innocents. (80)

When God sets out to embrace the enemy, the result is the cross. On the cross the dancing circle of self-giving and mutually indwelling divine persons opens up for the enemy; in the agony of the Passion the movement stops for a brief moment and a fissure appears so that sinful humanity can join in. We, the others–we, the enemies–are embraced by the divine persons who love us with the same love with which they love each other and therefore make space for us within their own eternal embrace. (129)

But what about victims of injustice? Should they just forgive?

First, the victims must realize that, in their hearts, they are capable of the same injustice.

It is a fact that cannot be denied: the wickedness of others becomes our own wickedness because it kindles something evil in our own hearts (87).

The language of victimization undermines the operation of human agency and disempowers victims and imprisons them within the narratives of their own victimization. …The longer the conflict continues the more both parties find themselves sucked into the vortex of mutually reinforcing victimization, in which the one party appears more virtuous only because, being weaker, it has less opportunity to be cruel. (103)

If victims do not repent today they will become perpetrators tomorrow who, in self-deceit, will seek to exculpate their misdeeds on account of their own victimization (117).

Second, the victims must realize that forgiveness does not eliminate justice but rather enthrones it.

Every act of forgiveness enthrones justice; it draws attention to its violation precisely by offering to forego its claims. Moreover, forgiveness provides the framework in which the quest for properly understood justice can be fruitfully pursued. …Only those who are forgiven and who are willing to forgive will be capable of relentlessly pursuing justice without falling into the temptation to pervert it into injustice (123).

In other words, we do not give up on the pursuit of justice, we just pursue it in the context of relationship and with the goal of redemption and reconciliation not revenge and retribution.

Finally, the victims must realize that even if justice is not achieved on this earth or reconciliation does not occur, God will ultimately judge. 

When one knows that the torturer will not eternally triumph over the victim, one is free to rediscover that person's humanity and imitate God's love for him. And when one knows that God's love is greater than all sin, one is free to see oneself in the light of God's justice and so rediscover one's own sinfulness. (124)

This is not an academic affair. Facing extreme injustice and choosing to forgive is only possible through the power of God. Instead of taking out one's anger on others, we learn to pour out our anger before God and trust Him as the perfect arbitrator of justice and grace. This is where the imprecatory Psalms of the OT begin to make sense.

For the followers of the crucified Messiah, the main message of the imprecatory Psalms is this: rage belongs before God. …By placing unattended rage before God we place both our unjust enemy and our own vengeful self face to face with a God who loves and does justice. Hidden in the dark chambers of our hearts and nourished by the system of darkness, hate grows and seeks to infest everything with its hellish will to exclusion. In the light of the justice and love of God, however, hate recedes and the seed is planted for the miracle of forgiveness (124).

But isn't God all love? Does He really condemn and judge sinners?

This is where Volf is the most helpful in my mind. I almost find it hard to believe that he teaches at Yale! But Volf has experienced real atrocity and bitter hatred in his lifetime and he does not sugarcoat the reality of sin or the need for God's justice.

A "nice" God is a figment of liberal imagination, a projection onto the sky of the inability to give up cherished illusions about goodness, freedom, and the rationality of social actors (298).

God will judge, not because God gives people what they deserve, but because some people refuse to receive what no one deserves; if evildoers experience God's terror, it will not be because they have done evil, but because they have resisted to the end the powerful lure of the open arms of the crucified Messiah (298).

Should not a loving God be patient and keep luring the perpetrator into goodness? This is exactly what God does: God suffers the evildoers through history as God has suffered them on the cross. But how patient should God be? The day of reckoning must come, not because God is too eager to pull the trigger, but because every day of patience in a world of violence means more violence and every postponement of vindication means letting insult accompany injury (299).

And the quote that in my mind makes the book worth the reading.

One could object that it is not worthy of God to wield the sword. Is God not love, long-suffering and all-powerful love? A counter-question could go something like this: Is it not a bit arrogant to presume that our contemporary sensibilities about what is compatible with God's love are so muich healthier than those of the people of God throughout the whole history of Judaism and Christianity? …One could further argue that in a world of violence it would not be worthy of God not to wield the sword; if God were not angry at injustice and deception and did not make the final end to violence God would not be worthy of our worship.

…My thesis is that the practice of nonviolence requires a belief in divine vengeance will be unpopular with many Christians, especially theologians in the West. To the person who is inclined to dismiss it, I suggest imagining that you are delivering a lecture in a war zone. …Among your listeners are people whose cities and villages have been first plundered, then burned and leveled to the ground, whose daughters and sisters have been raped, whose fathers and brothers have had their throats slit. …Soon you would discover that it takes the quiet of a suburban home for the birth of the thesis that human nonviolence corresponds to God's refusal to judge. In a scorched land, soaked in the blood of the innocent, it will invariably die. And as one watches it die, one will do well to reflect about many other pleasant captivities of the liberal mind. (303-304)

In the end, Volf calls Christians to a life of embrace. Opening our arms to others. Being willing to listen and to forgive. Being agents of reconciliation in a world of hatred and division. Speaking the truth to a deceived world…but doing so with the love of the crucified Messiah.

In a world of enmity self-giving is the risky and hard work of love. (189)

I open my arms, make a movement of the self toward the other, the enemy, and do not know whether I will be misunderstood, despised, even violated or whether my action will be appreciated, supported, and reciprocated. I can become a savior or a victim–possibly both.

Embrace is grace, and grace is gamble, always (147).

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A Few Reflections on Turning 48

48. Hard to believe. When you are the "baby" in the family (I am the youngest of six), you always have this inner sense of being "young." When you hit 48, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain that illusion…especially when you look in the mirror and see more of your scalp than you ever have before.

Here are my thoughts on the morning of waking up 48.

Life is short and it moves fast.

The Bible emphasizes this point over and over. Life is a vapor. Life is a breath. Life is like the grass that grows in the morning and dies at night. Life is like a wilting flower.

I know…that's not real encouraging. But it is real.

Realistically half of my life is over and time keeps marching on. It doesn't stop for anyone. And the chapters close quickly.

Perhaps I am feeling nostalgic this year because I am watching my oldest son graduate and head off to college. 18 years passes quickly. In one sense it doesn't seem that long ago that I was bringing him home from the hospital, staying up with him at night, holding him, feeding him, changing him (okay, that's a memory that is easy to forget). Hearing him recite his ABC's, seeing him walk, watching him grow.

Now that chapter is closed.

In many ways I am glad. I love the young man that he has become. And I don't want to go back to the sleepless nights and stressful days of parenting young children. But something inside aches as well. I can only tie it to the realization that I can't have that time back.

Time marches on. Leaving only pictures and memories in its wake. 

It is easy to grow cynical as you age.

When you are young, the world seems like an adventure in front of you. Hopes, dreams, ambitions, quests, goals, careers, relationships. As you age, you tend to see life's bumps, bruises, pitfalls, regrets, failed expectations, and…as Solomon puts it…vanities.

You tend to look back more than you look forward.

You tend to become more critical than idealistic.

You tend to sense life's disappointments more than its amusements.

It is a hard tendency to fight. You have to find that delicate balance between being realistic without becoming pessimistic. You have to learn to find joy in life as it is, not in life as you wish it to be.

To be thankful not cynical.

To put your hope in things beyond this world more than in things within this world.

Life is about wisdom.

Growing older doesn't mean that you necessarily grow wiser. Some people just grow older.

But as I age I am learning about the pursuit of wisdom.

Wisdom is applying knowledge to life. It is skilled living. It is realizing how the world operates and learning how to live within it.

In the oldest Psalm in the Bible (Psalm 90), Moses lays out the realities of life and prays:

Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).

In other words, "God, help me to see life as it really is. Help me to see how short it is, how disappointing and hard it can be. Not so that I can become cynical, critical, depressed, discouraged, and frustrated. But so that I can have a heart of wisdom."

Wisdom is the fear of the Lord. I am not in control. I did not create myself. I am mortal, temporary, limited, dependent. I am a guest in God's universe. In Him I live and move and have my very existence.

Wisdom is the departure from foolishness. The bait of sin allures but doesn't satisfy. It entices then enslaves. It promises life but delivers death. Following God is the pathway to the best that this life can offer.

Wisdom is loving God and loving others. Life is about relationships. Don't take them for granted. Learn to listen, communicate, yield, give, forgive, grieve, grow.

Wisdom is contentment. Resting in Christ. Enjoying His grace. Realizing your limits and being okay with them. Taking life one step at a time. Not expecting or demanding that life or others make you happy but finding joy in the simple blessings of life.

So today I am 48.

I have a little less hair, less strength, less stamina, less time on this earth…but also a little more gray hair, more wisdom, more realism, and more reasons to give thanks to my God.

He is good…as Psalm 48 reminds me.

For this is God, our God forever and ever. He will be our guide even to death (48:14).

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25 Things I Have Learned in 25 Years of Marriage

In honor of our 25th anniversary on June 22, here are 25 things that I have learned about marriage.

1. Love deepens over time. I certainly loved Liz when I married her 25 years ago but I really didn't understand the depths of love or what it really meant to love someone. Love is only built on knowledge, commitment, and intimacy developed and experienced over time. 

2. To have a good marriage marry a good person. I wish I could take more credit for the health of my marriage but in reality I was just blessed to marry a godly woman with strong character. She has been the perfect complement for me and has made me a better man. The only credit I can take is seeking out a Christian wife with a good testimony. But the rest was a step of faith and the grace of God. 

3. Marriage doesn't resolve your personal issues rather it exposes them. If you go into marriage thinking that your spouse will solve all your problems, fill all your voids, and meet all your deepest needs, then you will be sorely disappointed. You must bring emotional and spiritual health into the marriage, not expect emotional and spiritual health to come from the marriage. 

4. The first year of marriage is one of the toughest…and honeymoons are fairly disappointing. I can't say that our honeymoon or our first year of marriage were "bad." They had their fun, enjoyable moments. But, looking back, they were definitely not the "perpetual moments of bliss" that I dreamed they would be. Instead they were much more awkward, stressful, and difficult than I could have expected.

5. Marriage is hard work. Marriages that are coasting are going downhill. It takes time and effort to build a relationship and to learn how to listen, understand, forgive, and change.

6. Don't go to bed angry with each other. One of the few pieces of advice that we grabbed onto early in our marriage was from Ephesians 4:26, Don't let the sun go down on your anger. We have stuck to that piece of advice…even when it meant staying up late to have a difficult conversation…and it has kept our marriage from a lot of misunderstanding and bitterness.

7. Don't play competitive games against your spouse. Maybe some marriages can handle this but we can't. Our first fight was over a game of Boggle. Yes, Boggle. I questioned her score and she questioned my trust in her. Fun stuff. We are both competitive and we found it almost impossible to play against each other without it resulting in some unneeded tension. We have chosen to be on the same team as much as possible ever since.

8. Work as a team. Piggybacking on the above, we have sought to tackle things in life as a team instead of as competitors. Instead of letting an issue divide us, we have tried to use it to bring us together. A problem is either an opportunity to work together as a team or ammunition to use in a war. We have strived to choose the former. 

9. Move away from home. Okay, maybe this doesn't work or isn't necessary for everyone but for us it was a blessing to be away from our parents and families during the early years of our marriage. We were forced to grow together as a couple apart from the "roles" that we often play in our families. This is the "leave principle" in Genesis 2:24 and it must be done emotionally if not geographically. 

10. Avoid debt. Again, some people can't avoid this but being free from debt in the early years of our marriage took a lot of stress off our backs. We have kept a tight lid on our finances throughout our marriage…operating from a tangible but flexible budget…and it has removed one big marital problem off the table for us. 

11. Parenting is a major stress on marriage. Our biggest fights and frustrations came after we had our first little bundle of joy. Tiredness. Different parenting approaches. Lack of free time. Responsibility. Irritableness. Unmet expectations. All of it came to a head with our first child. Thankfully we had seven years of marriage under our belt to help us work through it but it was a major stressor nonetheless. People who think that having a child will strengthen a weak marriage or correct a poor relationship are living in a fantasy world. 

12. Share email accounts, Facebook, and computers. For us this has been a simple way to avoid potential temptations and distractions in our marriage.

13. Share your spiritual life together. Go to church together, discuss Scripture together, pray together, serve together. As a pastor, many of these things would be expected but Liz and I have still had to grow in our spiritual "oneness." It doesn't happen automatically so find ways to stay connected spiritually and to remind yourselves that life is bigger than you and your individual wants. 

14. Avoid marital scorekeeping. Scorekeeping is a killer to marriages. "I've done this, this, and this…and you have only done this… thus you owe me." We got trapped in this thinking briefly after having kids. Thankfully we recognized it and stopped it.

15. "Catch the little foxes"…and exterminate them. In the Bible's love song, a young couple is encouraged to get rid of the "little foxes" before they ruin their vineyard (cf. Song of Songs 2:15). This is not agricultural advice but practical advice put into poetic language. Little conflicts, little irritations, little temptations easily creep into a marriage and then later destroy it. Be vigilant and wise and quickly and decisively eliminate anything that could harm your marriage.

16. Marry your best friend. Physical attraction is certainly a real element in choosing a mate but in the end it won't make or preserve a good marriage. I found that even when we were not officially dating, Liz and I kept spending time together. Our friendship has made our marriage…and our physical attraction…that much stronger. 

17. Learn to appreciate your differences. Liz and I are very different. She is decisive, blunt, cut and dry, and loves discipline and schedules. I am more indecisive, contemplative, creative, and love a more laid back approach. She can manage many things; I prefer to focus on one thing at a time. When we were dating, we were attracted by the differences. A few years into marriage, we became aggravated by the differences. But over time, by God's grace, we have become amused by the differences. We have learned to laugh at ourselves and the different ways we do things…and to appreciate how we both have grown by being married to someone different than ourselves. As Ruth Bell Graham once said, "If two people agree on everything, then one of them is unnecessary."

18. Plan weekly date nightsAfter having kids, this is especially essential for a marriage. We have made a weekly date night a priority in our marriage. Usually we use a coupon or a gift card for dinner and then find a coffee shop to hang out in to talk about our week and take a "pulse" of our marriage and family. Our kids know that our marriage relationship with each other takes priority over over our parenting relationship to them…and they are thankful for it! It is awesome to hear them say, "Hey, aren't y'all taking a date night soon?"  

19. Take note of each other's "love language." The love language thing can be taken overboard but it has been something that we have noted in our marriage. The best way for me to say "I love you" to Liz is to do acts of service for her–wash the dishes, pick up around the house, clean the bathrooms. For me, I need to hear words of encouragement. The funny thing is that we discovered early on that gift giving is not high on either of our lists. We both returned our first Christmas gifts to each other. Since then, we have decided to shop together for things we want and simply go out to eat together on special occasions. 

20. Sleep in a small bed. Okay, again this is just our experience but we have never owned a bed bigger than a full size. It has kept us close at night and not allowed us to retreat to our own corner of the bed in times of conflict. 

21. Intimacy is built on security. I think I am finally beginning to understand Genesis 2:25, They were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. It is more than just a physical thing. It is a feeling of total vulnerability with your spouse that only comes from the security of a lifelong commitment reinforced over time. Intimacy is only bulit on vulnerability and vulnerability only comes within security. It is awesome to experience a relationship with no barriers, hidden agendas, fears, or regrets. 

22. Marry young. I certainly recognize that this isn't always possible…or wise. But for us, marrying at a relatively young age (22 and 20) enabled us to grow together through the early stages of adulthood. We developed our life patterns together, aligned our life direction together, faced life decisions together, and were forced to grow in responsibility and commitment sooner. 

23. Sexual purity is worth it. Remaining sexually pure as a young adult was one of the toughest challenges I have ever faced, yet looking back I am so glad that I made that commitment. Enjoying intimacy with my wife with no other thoughts of anyone else brings a closeness that I can't imagine being any better.

24. Monogamy is worth it. I am convinced that being committed to one woman over time brings the highest sexual satisfaction. Sexual intimacy is definitely a learning process that only gets better and better over time.  

25. Marriage is a blessing from God. With divorce rates on the rise, cohabitation the norm, and redefinition the trend, marriage is on the ropes in many respects. But I have found that trusting God's design and following God's ways has made our marriage as strong and as satisfying as any human relationship can be. I give God the glory for His good gift of marriage. And if the intimacy keeps getting better and the love keeps growing deeper then I can't wait for the next 25 years! 

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A Prayer for Orlando

Precious blood was spilt in Orlando.

Human life is valuable, beautiful, sacred.

Not because of what we do or even what we can do.

But because of who we are.

Whose we are.

We are made in the image of God. Reflecters of the divine. Offspring of God.

Thus to take human life in hateful anger and violent ideology is to violate the very character of God. It is to profane His name which is stamped upon each one of us.

Even to speak in hatred against those made in the image of God is to malign His design.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. (James 3:9-10)

Though I may have disagreed politically, religiously, or morally with those who died, I share in their humanity. And their death impacts me…and should impact me.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.

Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.
(John Donne)

Though sin has impacted us all, damaged us all, distorted the image of God in us all, each human life has purpose and value. There is no unimportant person. No second-rate creation. If value is determined by the cost someone is willing to pay, then human life bears unfathomable worth.

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:7-8)

Evil exists. Sin is real. Death is a harsh reality.

I wish there were words to remove the pain. I wish there were ways to reverse the tragedy. I wish we lived in a world where hatred, division, violence, and death did not exist.

But we are east of Eden and something has gone desperately wrong with our hearts and with our world.

Strip away all the labels, religions, political parties, ethnicities, nationalities, and ideologies and we are humans.

Weak. Limited. Fragile. Mortal.

Falling short. Finding fault. Failing to love.

Thirsty. Hungry. Helpless. Hopeless.

Desparately in need of a Savior.

One Who can redeem the tragedy, transform the heart, conquer the grave.

One Who is one of us but also above us, human and divine, sympathetic and sovereign.

One Who weeps with us and walks with us.

One Who knows us and loves us.

One Who can take the distorted image in us and recreate it in newness of life.

There is only One fits the bill.

And His name is Jesus.

Look to Him. Run to Him. Rest in Him.

His precious blood was spilt for you.

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