25 Things I Have Learned in 25 Years of Marriage

In honor of our 25th anniversary on June 22, here are 25 things that I have learned about marriage.

1. Love deepens over time. I certainly loved Liz when I married her 25 years ago but I really didn't understand the depths of love or what it really meant to love someone. Love is only built on knowledge, commitment, and intimacy developed and experienced over time. 

2. To have a good marriage marry a good person. I wish I could take more credit for the health of my marriage but in reality I was just blessed to marry a godly woman with strong character. She has been the perfect complement for me and has made me a better man. The only credit I can take is seeking out a Christian wife with a good testimony. But the rest was a step of faith and the grace of God. 

3. Marriage doesn't resolve your personal issues rather it exposes them. If you go into marriage thinking that your spouse will solve all your problems, fill all your voids, and meet all your deepest needs, then you will be sorely disappointed. You must bring emotional and spiritual health into the marriage, not expect emotional and spiritual health to come from the marriage. 

4. The first year of marriage is one of the toughest…and honeymoons are fairly disappointing. I can't say that our honeymoon or our first year of marriage were "bad." They had their fun, enjoyable moments. But, looking back, they were definitely not the "perpetual moments of bliss" that I dreamed they would be. Instead they were much more awkward, stressful, and difficult than I could have expected.

5. Marriage is hard work. Marriages that are coasting are going downhill. It takes time and effort to build a relationship and to learn how to listen, understand, forgive, and change.

6. Don't go to bed angry with each other. One of the few pieces of advice that we grabbed onto early in our marriage was from Ephesians 4:26, Don't let the sun go down on your anger. We have stuck to that piece of advice…even when it meant staying up late to have a difficult conversation…and it has kept our marriage from a lot of misunderstanding and bitterness.

7. Don't play competitive games against your spouse. Maybe some marriages can handle this but we can't. Our first fight was over a game of Boggle. Yes, Boggle. I questioned her score and she questioned my trust in her. Fun stuff. We are both competitive and we found it almost impossible to play against each other without it resulting in some unneeded tension. We have chosen to be on the same team as much as possible ever since.

8. Work as a team. Piggybacking on the above, we have sought to tackle things in life as a team instead of as competitors. Instead of letting an issue divide us, we have tried to use it to bring us together. A problem is either an opportunity to work together as a team or ammunition to use in a war. We have strived to choose the former. 

9. Move away from home. Okay, maybe this doesn't work or isn't necessary for everyone but for us it was a blessing to be away from our parents and families during the early years of our marriage. We were forced to grow together as a couple apart from the "roles" that we often play in our families. This is the "leave principle" in Genesis 2:24 and it must be done emotionally if not geographically. 

10. Avoid debt. Again, some people can't avoid this but being free from debt in the early years of our marriage took a lot of stress off our backs. We have kept a tight lid on our finances throughout our marriage…operating from a tangible but flexible budget…and it has removed one big marital problem off the table for us. 

11. Parenting is a major stress on marriage. Our biggest fights and frustrations came after we had our first little bundle of joy. Tiredness. Different parenting approaches. Lack of free time. Responsibility. Irritableness. Unmet expectations. All of it came to a head with our first child. Thankfully we had seven years of marriage under our belt to help us work through it but it was a major stressor nonetheless. People who think that having a child will strengthen a weak marriage or correct a poor relationship are living in a fantasy world. 

12. Share email accounts, Facebook, and computers. For us this has been a simple way to avoid potential temptations and distractions in our marriage.

13. Share your spiritual life together. Go to church together, discuss Scripture together, pray together, serve together. As a pastor, many of these things would be expected but Liz and I have still had to grow in our spiritual "oneness." It doesn't happen automatically so find ways to stay connected spiritually and to remind yourselves that life is bigger than you and your individual wants. 

14. Avoid marital scorekeeping. Scorekeeping is a killer to marriages. "I've done this, this, and this…and you have only done this… thus you owe me." We got trapped in this thinking briefly after having kids. Thankfully we recognized it and stopped it.

15. "Catch the little foxes"…and exterminate them. In the Bible's love song, a young couple is encouraged to get rid of the "little foxes" before they ruin their vineyard (cf. Song of Songs 2:15). This is not agricultural advice but practical advice put into poetic language. Little conflicts, little irritations, little temptations easily creep into a marriage and then later destroy it. Be vigilant and wise and quickly and decisively eliminate anything that could harm your marriage.

16. Marry your best friend. Physical attraction is certainly a real element in choosing a mate but in the end it won't make or preserve a good marriage. I found that even when we were not officially dating, Liz and I kept spending time together. Our friendship has made our marriage…and our physical attraction…that much stronger. 

17. Learn to appreciate your differences. Liz and I are very different. She is decisive, blunt, cut and dry, and loves discipline and schedules. I am more indecisive, contemplative, creative, and love a more laid back approach. She can manage many things; I prefer to focus on one thing at a time. When we were dating, we were attracted by the differences. A few years into marriage, we became aggravated by the differences. But over time, by God's grace, we have become amused by the differences. We have learned to laugh at ourselves and the different ways we do things…and to appreciate how we both have grown by being married to someone different than ourselves. As Ruth Bell Graham once said, "If two people agree on everything, then one of them is unnecessary."

18. Plan weekly date nightsAfter having kids, this is especially essential for a marriage. We have made a weekly date night a priority in our marriage. Usually we use a coupon or a gift card for dinner and then find a coffee shop to hang out in to talk about our week and take a "pulse" of our marriage and family. Our kids know that our marriage relationship with each other takes priority over over our parenting relationship to them…and they are thankful for it! It is awesome to hear them say, "Hey, aren't y'all taking a date night soon?"  

19. Take note of each other's "love language." The love language thing can be taken overboard but it has been something that we have noted in our marriage. The best way for me to say "I love you" to Liz is to do acts of service for her–wash the dishes, pick up around the house, clean the bathrooms. For me, I need to hear words of encouragement. The funny thing is that we discovered early on that gift giving is not high on either of our lists. We both returned our first Christmas gifts to each other. Since then, we have decided to shop together for things we want and simply go out to eat together on special occasions. 

20. Sleep in a small bed. Okay, again this is just our experience but we have never owned a bed bigger than a full size. It has kept us close at night and not allowed us to retreat to our own corner of the bed in times of conflict. 

21. Intimacy is built on security. I think I am finally beginning to understand Genesis 2:25, They were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. It is more than just a physical thing. It is a feeling of total vulnerability with your spouse that only comes from the security of a lifelong commitment reinforced over time. Intimacy is only bulit on vulnerability and vulnerability only comes within security. It is awesome to experience a relationship with no barriers, hidden agendas, fears, or regrets. 

22. Marry young. I certainly recognize that this isn't always possible…or wise. But for us, marrying at a relatively young age (22 and 20) enabled us to grow together through the early stages of adulthood. We developed our life patterns together, aligned our life direction together, faced life decisions together, and were forced to grow in responsibility and commitment sooner. 

23. Sexual purity is worth it. Remaining sexually pure as a young adult was one of the toughest challenges I have ever faced, yet looking back I am so glad that I made that commitment. Enjoying intimacy with my wife with no other thoughts of anyone else brings a closeness that I can't imagine being any better.

24. Monogamy is worth it. I am convinced that being committed to one woman over time brings the highest sexual satisfaction. Sexual intimacy is definitely a learning process that only gets better and better over time.  

25. Marriage is a blessing from God. With divorce rates on the rise, cohabitation the norm, and redefinition the trend, marriage is on the ropes in many respects. But I have found that trusting God's design and following God's ways has made our marriage as strong and as satisfying as any human relationship can be. I give God the glory for His good gift of marriage. And if the intimacy keeps getting better and the love keeps growing deeper then I can't wait for the next 25 years! 

Posted in Sex and Marriage | 5 Comments

A Prayer for Orlando

Precious blood was spilt in Orlando.

Human life is valuable, beautiful, sacred.

Not because of what we do or even what we can do.

But because of who we are.

Whose we are.

We are made in the image of God. Reflecters of the divine. Offspring of God.

Thus to take human life in hateful anger and violent ideology is to violate the very character of God. It is to profane His name which is stamped upon each one of us.

Even to speak in hatred against those made in the image of God is to malign His design.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. (James 3:9-10)

Though I may have disagreed politically, religiously, or morally with those who died, I share in their humanity. And their death impacts me…and should impact me.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.

Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.
(John Donne)

Though sin has impacted us all, damaged us all, distorted the image of God in us all, each human life has purpose and value. There is no unimportant person. No second-rate creation. If value is determined by the cost someone is willing to pay, then human life bears unfathomable worth.

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:7-8)

Evil exists. Sin is real. Death is a harsh reality.

I wish there were words to remove the pain. I wish there were ways to reverse the tragedy. I wish we lived in a world where hatred, division, violence, and death did not exist.

But we are east of Eden and something has gone desperately wrong with our hearts and with our world.

Strip away all the labels, religions, political parties, ethnicities, nationalities, and ideologies and we are humans.

Weak. Limited. Fragile. Mortal.

Falling short. Finding fault. Failing to love.

Thirsty. Hungry. Helpless. Hopeless.

Desparately in need of a Savior.

One Who can redeem the tragedy, transform the heart, conquer the grave.

One Who is one of us but also above us, human and divine, sympathetic and sovereign.

One Who weeps with us and walks with us.

One Who knows us and loves us.

One Who can take the distorted image in us and recreate it in newness of life.

There is only One fits the bill.

And His name is Jesus.

Look to Him. Run to Him. Rest in Him.

His precious blood was spilt for you.

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The Myth of Science

There is a common conception in our culture that Science has all the answers to life and has conquered the superstitious myths of religion, particularly Judeo-Christian belief.

This is a myth in itself.

Here are a few observations that need to be remembered as you consider the religion-science debate:

1. There is a difference between science, which is based on observation and experimentation with repeatable results, and Science, which is a philosophical worldview. The scientific method cannot address the origin of the universe or the emergence of life. There is no repeatable experiment to show something emerging out of nothing or life emerging out of non-life. Thus, when Science speaks on these issues, it enters into philosophy (and even magic) not true science.

2. Philosophical Science operates out of presuppositions just as religion does. It makes certain assumptions which govern how it interprets data. It also has its own "gurus," dogma, and heresy. Consider the recent firestorm over the scientific article which dared to mention the idea of a "Creator" in the design of the human hand. No scientist (no human for that matter) operates from a purely "objective" viewpoint. We all bring our subjectivity, perspective, presuppositions, and, dare I say, faith to the table.

3. The scientific movement didn't emerge despite Christian faith rather it emerged because of Christian faith. 

Science arose only in Europe because only medieval Europeans believed that science was possible and desirable. And the basis of their belief was their image of God and his creation. …If the universe was created in accord with rational rules by a perfect, rational creator, then it ought to yield its secrets to reason and observation. Hence the scientific truism that nature is a book meant to be read. (Rodney Stark, Ph.D., Sociology, University of California Berkeley)

The vast majority of early scientists (51 of the 52 major scientific figures during the Scientific Revolution) held a strong Judeo-Christian worldview and saw their work as a way of discovering the rational order in a universe created by a Rational God.

4. Less than 50 years ago, the dominant, dogmatic scientific view was that the universe was eternal and had no beginning. The scientific community strongly resisted the idea of a "beginning" to the universe because the reality that the universe emerged out of nothing would insinuate a Creator. Science still has no adequate answer for how a complex universe randomly emerged out of pure nothingness. All Science can do is credit "quantum fluctuations." See this insightful video by MIT-physicist, Gerald Schroeder, on the meaning of "quantum fluctuations."

5. Materialistic Science is in itself self-defeating. If there is nothing metaphysical or spiritual to the universe, then the very thoughts of Science are merely random, chemical reactions within the human brain that cannot be trusted and certainly shouldn't be argued over. Why argue that your random meaningless neurological chemical reactions are more true than my random meaningingless neurological chemical reactions? Materialistic Science, in the end, leads to biological determinism and to the death of free will.

6. Materialistic Science can't answer the bigger questions of life. Who am I? Why am I here? Why is there something rather than nothing? Materialistic Science has no materialistic explanation for human consciousness, our imagination, our hunger for purpose and meaning, moral ethics (especially compassion for the weak), love, or life itself (i.e., what is the materialistic difference between life and non-life?).

7. True scientific discovery should be the gateway to wonder not atheism. When Darwin first proposed evolution 150 years ago, he believed the "simple cell" was an unsophisticated blob of protoplasm. Today, we know that the "simple cell" is more complex, with more inter-connected moving parts, than we could ever imagine. We also know that the information encoded on a strand of DNA is enough to fill a mountain of encyclopedias. The complexity, beauty, and mystery of the universe, of nature, of the human body, of the brain, of life itself should move us to increasing humility and wonder.

The typical response to these observations is that Science has already disproven the Bible. This is a "straw man" argument that simplifies a complex debate. At best, an honest skeptic could say that "the jury is still out." The Bible has been scoffed at before only to discover that it is quite amazing in its historical accuracy.

For instance, like mentioned above, fifty years ago many scientists denied that the universe had a beginning. Now they generally accept that the universe amazingly (and unexplanably) emerged out of pure nothingness….what theology has historically called creatio ex nihilio.

It is also fascinating that what looks like "substance" to us is actually just energy held together by strong nuclear forces. 

By a fraction of a microsecond following the creation, the primary material object of the big bang was concentrated as exquisitely intense energy. There are many types of energy,  but the form most manifest microseconds after the creation was electromagnetic radiation–in simplistic terms, something akin to superpowerful light beams. …Every physical object in this vast universe, including our human bodies, is built of the light of creation. (Gerald Schroeder, God According to God, pp. 28-29).

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light (Genesis 1:3).

Physicist Gerald Schroeder also presents an interesting theory of how our scientific understanding of time dilation (that time is not constant but relative to velocity and gravity) could indicate how the six days of creation from God's perspective could look like billions of years from ours. I don't agree with his conclusions (and honestly don't understand his formuli and calculations) but one thought does stand out–our conception of time is not as simple as we think it is.

In the end, one has to decide to exercise faith in something…either in the current theories of materialistic Science or in the Scriptures or in something else.

Perhaps I am a fool in the world's eyes for believing in Scripture…for believing in a Creator, for believing in the inherent dignity of humanity, for believing in a moral fall that explains the evil in this world, for believing in a prophesied Messiah who died for our redemption, for believing in the bodily resurrection, for believing in eternal life. 

But I will be a fool for the love, hope, and purpose found in Jesus Christ.

For indeed Jews ask for signs and Greeks search for wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. (1 Corinthians 1:22-24)

Posted in Creation and Humanity | 1 Comment

Shakespearean Monkeys and Evolution

Lately I have been fascinated by Gerald Schroeder's books. He has a Ph.D in physics and earth sciences from MIT. I don't agree with everything he writes in the theological realm but he makes me think about the amazing nature of our universe and the incredible complexity and beauty within it.

Here is an extended quote from his book, God According to God, that was too good not to post:

"Stephen Hawking, in his A Brief History in Time, the most widely sold science book every written, teaches the world about the potential power of random events to produce meaningful complex order, such as in a work of literature.

"It is a bit like the well-known hordes of monkeys hammering away on typewriters. Most of what they write will be garbage, but very occasionally by pure chance they will type out one of Shakespeare's sonnets" (Hawking, p. 123).

It is a compelling premise, but totally off base… I am surprised that Professor Hawking would have let this slip occur. Nonetheless, it convinced one of the world's leading literary magazines, The New Yorker, to devote its Christmas and New Year's cover of 2002 to showing monkeys hammering away on typewriters. As Hawking predicted, most failed to get the sonnet. But, behold, there in the lower right-hand corner is a very happy monkey. He got the sonnet.

I don't know many sonnets. In fact, when I thought about this, I only knew the opening line of one, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day." There are not quite five hundred letters in that sonnet. All Shakespeare's sonnets are about the same length, all by definition fourteen lines long. Can we get a sonnet by chance? If Hawking says so, it must be true. But is it?

Let's consider 500 grab bags each holding the 26 letters of the English alphabet. I reach into the bag blindfolded and pull out a letter. The likelihood that it will be s for the first letter of the sonnet is one chance in 26. The likelihood that in the initial two draws from the first two bags I will get an s and then an h is one chance in 26 times 26. And so on for the 500 letters. Neglecting spaces between the words, the chance of getting an entire sonnet by chance is 26 multiplied by itself 500 times. That seems as if it may be a fairly big number. And it is. Surprisingly so.

That number comes out to be a one with 700 zeroes after it. In conventional math terms, it is 10700. To give a sense of scale for reference, the known universe, including all forms of matter and energy, weighs on the order of 1056 grams; the number of particles (protons, neutrons, electrons, muons) in the known universe is 1080….

Chance does not produce intelligible text and certainly not a sonnet, not in our universe.

But so convincing is Hawking's argument that the students at Plymouth University in Britain convinced the National Arts Council to put up 2000 pounds [~$4000] to try the monkeys' typing skill. With that stipend they rented a monkey house at the Paignton Zoo in Devon and placed a computer keyboard inside. The Times (May 9, 2003) reported on the results under the headline, "Much Ado, but Monkeys Fail Shakespeare Test."

For a month, six monkeys hammered away on the keyboard. They failed to produce a single English word. Surprised, since the shortest word in the English language is one letter long? Surely the monkeys must have hit an a or an I in all their efforts. But think about it. To make the word a, a space on each side of the letter is required. That means typing: space, a, space. If there are 100 keys on the computer keyboard, neglecting the fact that the space bar is somewhat larger than the letter keys, the probability of typing space, a, space is one chance in a 100 times 100 times 100, which comes out to be one chance in a million.

Random guessing in a spelling bee is always a losing proposition. And that is for a single-letter word.

So why does the monkey premise make the cover of one of the world's leading intellectual publications? The reason is distressingly simple. If you are fed from your earliest days the saga that unguided random reactions produced life, then…certainly you'll believe the untruth that sonnets will come popping out of your random letter generator" (Schroeder, God According to God, pp. 35-37).

And, on top of that, in the pure evolutionary scheme of things, there is no keyboard and there are no monkeys. The beauty of the Shakespearean sonnet must miraculously emerge out of nothing.

Who says that science doesn't believe in miracles?

Posted in Creation and Humanity | 1 Comment

The Beauty of Gender

The first poem in the Bible goes like this:

So God created man in His own image.
In the image of God He created him.
Male and female He created them.
 

In Hebrew, Genesis 1:27 is composed of three lines of four words each.

vay-yivra Elohim et-hadam betsalmov
betsalem Elohim bara otov
zakar uneqevah bara otom
 

The great drama of creation, moving from scene to scene, day to day, propelled by the powerful word of God suddenly pauses.

God deliberates within Himself, within His trinitarian nature, and then creates His masterpiece, His poem, His work of art.

Humanity.

We are meant to pause as well and to consider the beauty of His creation…of us.

Three truths ring out in God's poem.

So God created man in His own image.

The first line puts the emphasis on God's creative work. God created us. We are not cosmic accidents. We are designed by an Artist. We are designed for a purpose. Our complexity, our symmetry, our beauty…all point to the handiwork of our Creator. The wonder of the human body should be enough to show us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). Isaac Newton even said, "In the absence of any other proof, the thumb alone would convince me of God's existence."

In the image of God He created him.

The second line puts the emphasis on our uniqueness and value. We are created in His image. We are supposed to stop and say, "Whoa."  We are…in…His…image. We reflect Him in our nature, having intellect, emotions, and will. We represent Him in our position, ruling and stewarding His creation. And we can have relationship with Him, knowing Him and loving Him…and being intimately known and eternally loved. We have value not because of what we do but simply because of who we are. Image-bearers of the Creator God.

Male and female He created them.

The third line puts the emphasis on our complementary design. We are male and female. We are created equal in essence but different in design. As Dr. Paula Johnson noted in her TED Talk, speaking of the unique medical needs of men and women:

Every cell has a sex. That means men and women are different down to the cellular and molecular level; we're different across all of our organs.

Gender is at the core of who we are. We are created differently in order to complement one another, to complete one another, to need one another. We are made for relationship…not only with God but also with each other. Two different beings experiencing oneness through relationship. Biologically fitting together…one man and one woman…and miraculously creating new life.

This is God's poetry.

And it is beautiful.

So why doesn't it feel that way?

We struggle with our identity. We doubt our value. We feel our insecurity.

We don't feel comfortable in our own skin…and possibly in our own gender.

The rhythm and the rhyme of God's poem were interrupted by sin. The beauty of Genesis 1-2 is marred by the tragedy of Genesis 3. The artistry of God's handiwork has been defaced. We still bear His image but sin has left its ugly stain.

Like a word document opened in the wrong program, the divine poem has been scrambled, jumbled, mangled.

We feel the effects of the Fall. We live it. We experience it. We lament it.

But the solution to our insecurity, confusion, and pain is not the redefinition of gender, the rejection of the Poet, or the resignation to a life of ambiguity.

The solution is redemption.

What was lost in Adam is re-found in Jesus Christ.

The One who wrote the original poem entered into humanity in order to reveal the words, delete the dark lines of sin, and re-write the rhythm and rhyme in our hearts.

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship [Greek, poema], created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:8-10)

Male and female. Equal in essence. Different in design.

Broken, confused, conflicted, separated by sin.

Remade, renewed, restored, redeemed by Christ.

This is God's poetry.

And it is still beautiful.

Posted in Creation and Humanity, Sex and Marriage | 2 Comments