Lamott, Politics, and Grace

Posted on January 2, 2010 by Steve Foster

Sitting on the recliner recovering from an Achilles rupture affords me ample time to read. One book I picked up recently was Anne Lamott's Grace Eventually: Thoughts on Faith. I have never read one of her books before. I picked this one up at Barnes & Noble because it was "Bargain Priced," looked interesting, and had grace in the title. My favorite word.

Anne Lamott is a self-described progressive, feminist Christian. Her background is on the other end of the spectrum from my own. She grew up with atheistic parents dipped in liberal political causes and spent the early years of her life in the sexually-free, nature-loving hippie movement. I, on the other hand, grew up with church-going, Republican, pro-Reagan, parents and spent the early years of my life memorizing verses for VBS and being good. I am also male.

So it was interesting reading someone approaching Jesus, grace, spirituality, politics, and life from a totally different angle.

Lamott is honest and sees the mundane aspects of life in a sort of Seinfeld-ish way. Walking her dog leads to moments of insight. Vacationing with rich, self-absorbed friends spurs blunt feelings of jealousy and indignation. Raising her son as a single parent reveals her inadequacy and provides stories of classic parent-child conflicts. Feeling overweight and under-beautiful plague her even as she realizes their unimportance.

Yet through all of life's ups and downs Lamott tries to show love to others and see through the eyes of grace.

Except when she talks about George Bush. The best she can do for Bush is try not to hate him…though she seems to enjoy failing in this attempt…over and over.

Lamott is enamored with politics and political issues which in some sense surprises me. Right wing Christians are usually the ones blasted for being so politically involved and narrow-minded. In the end, I guess the issue, for both right and left, is not political involvement but political involvement that one disagrees with.

Ironically one of my favorite quotes by Lamott (though I can't say that I know of any other ones by her) is "You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." I wonder if she sees the irony of this statement in her own political animosity.

But I like Lamott. I like her honesty. I like the way she writes. I like her dependence on grace. Even though I struggle to understand her perspective and wonder how much she grasps God's holiness.

Reading Lamott reminds me that there is such a fine line between grace and license. Yes, we all fall short. Yes, we are all sinners. Yes, we are all inadequate, broken, desperate for mercy. We are prodigal sons running from our Father and finding ourselves alone in the pig sties of life. But grace is not permission to stay there but rather freedom to leave, to return home…without condemnation.

I fear that in Lamott's effort to avoid being a Pharisee (in a legalistic black and white world), she swings the pendulum so far that she becomes a Gnostic (in an ambiguous, nebulous, always gray world).

Reading Lamott reminded me that the Christian life really is like walking a tight rope. Between legalism and libertarianism. Between certainty and mystery. Between soberness and joy. Between discipline and grace.

And in politics it is learning to walk between left and right. Or perhaps "above left and right."

When Jesus entered the world, He also entered into a political hotbed. Pharisees. Sadducees. Herodians. Zealots. He disappointed and angered all of them. To the Pharisees, he was too liberal, hanging out too much with sinners and tax collectors. To the Sadducees, he was way too conservative, preaching holiness, judgment and the righteousness of God. To the Herodians, he was a threat to the status quo. To the Zealots, he was too peaceful and accommodating to the status quo. In the end, no one in the political realm liked Jesus. He didn't fit any label. He didn't endorse anyone's agenda…except God's. And for that, He was crucified.

I wish I knew exactly what that meant in living in America…today…in 2010…with Obama as president…with national health care on the political horizon.

I struggle to live in that tension between being a citizen of heaven and a resident of earth, between being involved in politics (which affects so many lives) and being focused on the gospel of grace (which is the hope of all lives).

Reading Lamott helped some. It reminded me of that simple saying, "Don't judge another person until you walk a mile in their shoes." Since I don't know Lamott's heart and I haven't lived her experiences, I have to approach her with humility and grace. Just like I would any other person…swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19).

That is incarnation. That is what Jesus did in entering our world. He did not deny His identity or lose His holiness, but He came in humility…He came to serve…He came to sympathize…and He came to save.

And those open to grace…and eager to change…received Him.

Whether they grew up as a hippie or a "saint."

Posted in Government/Politics | Tagged | Leave a comment

Anxiety

Posted on January 1, 2010 by Steve Foster

It is the start of a new year so I should probably be talking about something else but I woke up to ESPN and another news report on Urban Meyer.

If you are not familiar with Urban Meyer, he is the head football coach for the University of Florida. He led the Florida Gators to two national championships and several SEC championships. He is one of the top coaches in college football. Yet earlier in the week, he announced his resignation from coaching due to health concerns. Later, he retracted his resignation and instead took a leave of absence. The flip-flop made the news even bigger and led to further information about Meyer’s health issues. A 911 call from his wife was released (I guess this is public information) in which you hear her trying to rouse her husband who is lying motionless on the floor with an apparent anxiety attack and/or heart issue. Meyer later acknowledged that his health issues stem from anxiety and “carrying too much on his shoulders.”

I read an online article about it at a sports website. Below the article people are allowed to comment. It was interesting and disheartening to read people’s comments. Several people took the opportunity to air their hatred for Meyer and his football team or mock his condition. For instance, “Baaa haha. Am I the only one who LOL’d at this? Probably trying to cry after that beat down he received at the hands of Alabama.” Sad. I wonder why people feel the need to comment when they really have nothing to add to the conversation.

I find myself drawn to Meyer’s story because I have felt the sting of anxiety. During one of the most stressful years of my life, I had several panic attacks and several doctor visits to check on my heart. Life felt out of control. People did not seem safe. I wanted to escape. I prayed for peace but peace seemed far away. I knew the answers but I couldn’t gain a grip on my emotions. I felt powerless, like a failure. “What’s wrong with me?” was the constant question in my mind.

Once you’ve been through that valley, you don’t forget it. And you don’t fully escape it. The memory sticks with you. You know you are vulnerable. Sort of like a recovering alcoholic who knows he could fall again at any time.

Here is what I have learned since that time…

Anxiety is rooted in fear, insecurity. We all have insecurity in our hearts. The first emotion felt by Adam and Eve after falling away from God was fear. Vulnerability. Mortality. We are not in control. Of course, we each respond differently to this inner fear. Some numb it, suppress it, try to escape it through self-gratification, distraction, addiction, ambition. Some become angry and bitter. They mask weakness with the false power of indignation against life, the world, others. Some feel the stress of anxiety and struggle with fear, depression, or panic.

Anxiety is fed by expectations. We feel the expectations of others. People pleasers don’t want to disappoint. They desire the approval of others. But there is no way that everyone can be satisfied…no matter how hard one tries. We also put expectations on ourselves. Perfectionists tend to feel this pressure. They don’t want to fail. They strive for a standard they rarely can meet and cannot sustain. The more success we have (especially early on in life), the more success we have to maintain, attain. The pressure is endless. No victory is ever enough. Eventually the body cracks.

I pray for Urban Meyer. Personally I don’t think his leave of absence will work. If he is already planning his return in the fall, then he has put a timetable on himself. Conquering anxiety is not something that can be done on a time schedule. In fact, the time schedule may add to it. Plus now the public eye will be on him. Or at least he will feel it. Every emotional crack he shows will be pointed out, reported on, analyzed, magnified. The nature of college sports today will not help him. Winning is the expectation. No championship is ever enough. And fans want a dominant team not a sensitive coach.

Meyer can’t change the nature of college sports but he can slowly begin the process of changing himself. Anxiety is a gift if it forces us to confront ourselves, acknowledge our fears and false gods, and find security in God alone.

Heelcatcher is the name of this blog for a reason. Jacob is my biblical mentor. In Genesis 32, Jacob confronted the biggest fear of his life. Everything he loved was threatened. The possibility of losing all he held dear laid before his eyes. In his extreme anxiety, he literally wrestled with God all night. And only in his weakness did he learn to hold onto God alone. God had to cripple him to bless him.

God cripples us to bless us. Sounds contradictory, strange, unloving. But it is true.

Our self will is strong. We are deluded with a false sense of our own strength. We hold onto things to make us feel secure, accepted, competent, important. Success, financial security, climbing the ladder, wealth, health, social status, admiration from others, public office, public speaking, a trophy spouse, model kids, sexual conquests, sports championships. Whatever it is, it does not last and it does not let us rest.

It is often when we reach the end of the rope that we find hope. It is when we run out of our own resources that we find the true source of strength.

The apostle Paul elaborated on this paradox in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. In the midst of fighting against an infirmity that hindered his ministry, Paul begged God for relief, for deliverance.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

If our greatest need is God, if our biggest problem is pride and self-will, if our greatest danger is forsaking God and losing His joy and peace forever, then the most gracious thing that He can do is to humble us, cripple us, break us, expose our weakness and vulnerability, and draw us to Himself.

Indeed, the God of power showed the way, becoming weak, being born as a baby, living as a servant, suffering as a Lamb, dying on the cross, in order to conquer sin, disarm death, relieve fear, and bring us life.

So if I had the chance to speak to Urban Meyer, I would tell him not to rush things, not to miss this opportunity to learn about himself and hear from God, not to find his identity in being a successful football coach, to be careful of temporary solutions that mask the problem rather than solve it, to let go if need be. There are bigger things in life than winning a football trophy and pleasing fans. Most of all, I would encourage him to hold onto God, embrace grace, and trust in Christ.

“My grace is sufficient for you.” Grace is the only real antidote for anxiety. Grace. You don’t measure up. You can’t measure up. But in Christ God offers forgiveness, redemption, freedom, love. It is not something we earn; it is something we receive. It is not about doing more but resting more in Him.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

We come to Christ as Savior to receive rest for our souls. We follow Him as Lord to find rest day by day and experience it more and more in our lives.

Posted in Random Thoughts | Tagged | Leave a comment

Time & Nostalgia

Posted on December 30, 2009 by Steve Foster

Last night I met some old friends from high school. It had been 20+ years since we last interacted. Twenty years. Hard to believe. Time moves so quickly.

I am finding that turning 40 has increased my desire to connect with the past. I am not sure why. Perhaps it is a growing realization of the brevity of life. The faster life moves, the more you want to hold onto something, slow it down, go back in time. Memories become your only link to younger days.

I visit my hometown once a year. Each year things change. Driving through town, I notice the new businesses, the abandoned buildings, the changing landscape.

Today I passed the area where my family used to live when I was five or six years old. The area is overgrown. All the houses are gone. You would never know that it was once a thriving little neighborhood with a community pool, nearby baseball fields, and a little fast food diner called the “Safari.”

I can still picture it in my mind. I have snippets of memories…several of them as clear as a mental videotape. Yet looking at the present reality, no one would ever know. I can only describe it to my wife and kids. I don’t even have pictures to provide a context. The memory is all I have.

That’s why getting together with old friends can be so interesting. Someone else relives the memory with you. They add frames to forgotten scenes. They bring a different camera angle. Add color. And they help you connect the past to the present.

Last night I heard what happened to many people I haven’t seen since high school. Jobs, marriages, kids, divorces, deaths. My mind was swimming trying to remember faces and names.

120 of us shared four years together in high school. In fact, many of us went through all twelve years of school together. In a small town, your lives overlap in so many ways. School, Little League, church, city park, football games, community events.

We shared so much time together that I felt like I should have known them better. But I don’t. I guess as a child you are too busy playing to think about relationships. And in high school, you are just trying to survive the insecurities of growing up and trying to find your place in the elaborate social strata of teenage cliques to really get to know someone beyond the surface level.

I find that nostalgia is a double-edged sword. You enjoy the memory but then find yourself melancholy in the end.

I was curious about the meaning of nostalgia. It literally means “severe homesickness.” Interesting. It is a longing for home. A desire for simpler days. A hunger for the security, relationship, and joy of a family. I guess high school is sort of like a family. You hang around each other all the time but, in the end, often don’t know each other very well.

Or nostalgia may be a longing for something even greater, something we really can’t describe, something eternal. Something that lasts.

The Bible says that we have “eternity in our hearts” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). There is a part of us that longs to stand outside time, to stop it, or at least put the brakes on. We want to capture time, experience eternity, return to Eden. Yet time in this world keeps relentlessly marching forward. Indifferent to us. Things change, aging happens, people die…whether we like it or not.

That’s why one of the oldest psalms in the Bible has a simple prayer: Lord, teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).

Wisdom is recognizing the brevity of life. It is knowing that time is short and making the most of every opportunity. It is not letting relationships slip past. It is not wasting energy and years in sin (which always promises more than it delivers). It is not holding onto bitterness. It is not ignoring God.

God loans us time. It is not ours to keep. We only have it for a moment. What we do with it is up to us.

The best thing as a Christian is knowing that “home” is not in the past. It is in the future. What we long for is not in this world but prepared for the next. We can’t go back to Eden but we can move forward toward it.

Our hope is in Christ who is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He entered time so that we could hold onto something, Someone, outside of time.

Posted in Random Thoughts | Leave a comment

Christmas in Florida

Posted on December 26, 2009 by Steve Foster

We left New Jersey on Monday at 3am. A foot and a half of snow was on the ground. Outside temperature was 19 degrees. The fear of black ice kept us from driving too fast or using the cruise control.

My wife drove most of the way so that I could adjust positions and even rest my foot on the dashboard as needed. It wasn’t too comfortable but it wasn’t too bad either. Of course, I still had thoughts of getting into an accident and having the air bag launch my leg over my head. I guess the need to elevate my leg outweighed my fears.

After an overnight stop in Florence, SC, we arrived in Florida on Tuesday afternoon. The temperature outside was 60 degrees. To top things off, my dad had a fire in the fireplace! Fireplaces in Florida make about as much sense to me as swimming pools in Canada. But as a kid, I can remember sitting by the same fireplace on cold nights…when the temperature dropped into the 40s or 30s…and soaking in the heat of the fireplace. Now those temperatures don’t seem so bad. New Jersey has thickened my blood a little and given me some “weather perspective.” It is amazing how relative the temperature can be. Canadians swim in 50’s and Floridians build fires in the 60s.

Christmas Eve and Christmas were spent with my family.

I love Christmas. Some of my best family memories are around Christmas. We are a tight-knit family. We enjoy spending time together (most of the time). Our personalities are diverse enough to make things fun. We have great family stories to tell. With five brothers and sisters (one deceased), spouses, and children (twenty-two total) we fill my parent’s small house and always have plenty of activity and conversation.

I spent a good portion of time talking to one of my nephews in the military. He spent a tour of duty in the Middle East and shared some of his stories. The most interesting was hearing about his survival training before deployment. At one point he killed a rabbit with his bare hands and sucked out its eyeballs (apparently loaded with electrolytes) as a source of nourishment. Yum. I think I’ll stick to Gatorade for my electrolytes. Listening to the severity of his training, I realized how spoiled, blessed, and pampered I really am. Running out of hot water in the shower is enough to get my day started off on the wrong foot.

Christmas morning was a special time. It was just my family and my parents. I always treasure these times with my parents. I like the large family gatherings but I find that I like the “one-on-one” times even better. Even in a large gathering, I find myself isolating on one or two people. I would rather get to know one person deeply than twenty people on a shallow level.

We read the Christmas story and then had a sharing time before opening presents. I had each person roll a die and then answer a question based on the number they rolled…

  1. One thing I praise God for…
  2. Two good memories from 2009…
  3. Three things I am thankful for today…
  4. “For” 2010, I hope and pray that…
  5. Give a “high five” to someone and tell them what you appreciate about them.
  6. What do you remember about 6th grade (or being 6 years old for my kids)?

My kids joined right in. When we were done, they wanted us to go around again. I took that as a good sign.

I was glad that my kids could hear my parents share about their days growing up. Family stories are so important. They link us together. They give us a sense of heritage, an understanding of the past, an appreciation of the present.

After sharing these stories, opening gifts seemed less important, less central.

As a kid, I couldn’t wait to tear into my gifts. I remember opening the last gift and having a sense of disappointment. Christmas was done. There was always a let down. Even the best gifts never seemed as good as the anticipation of opening them.  No toy ever satisfied. No electronic gadget ever lasted. No shirt, socks or pair of underwear thrilled my soul. Yet when Christmas was done, I couldn’t wait for it to come the next year.

In many ways, Christmas represents life. Many go after the “presents” and find, in the end, that life is disappointing. Nothing satisfies. The anticipation of getting something always outweighs the reality of having it. But we keep going after more.

Meanwhile Christ is forgotten or relegated to the background. He is lost in the materialism and marketing of Christmas. He is lost in the busyness and worries of life.

But just as Christmas without Christ is meaningless so is life without Christ.

Sitting on Christmas morning, enjoying time with my family, reflecting on God’s blessings, I realized that I had already received the best gifts of life—forgiveness in Christ, a sense of purpose, great parents, a supportive family, an awesome wife, four boys, and hope for the future.

Christmas really is about relationships, about Christ. Without Him, life is a nicely wrapped present with nothing inside.

Posted in Random Thoughts | Leave a comment

White Out

Posted on December 20, 2009 by Steve Foster

The first snowstorm of the winter hit yesterday evening. It dumped a foot of snow at our house.

Having grown up in Florida, this snow stuff is still fairly new to me. In Florida, a snowstorm is seeing more than ten flakes in the air at the same time. My only childhood memory of snow was scrapping enough of the white stuff off my dad’s truck to make a snowball. That’s a big deal for a Florida boy. My boys have a lot more snow to play in today.

It really is a beautiful sight. As I look out my window, a blanket of white covers everything.

From my Achilles injury recliner in the backroom, I can see toward the front of my house and the back of my house. Toward the front of my house is the road. A few people are out shoveling, bundled up in coats and hats. Cars and snow plows pass by every minute or so. In this direction, the snow is a hassle. It has to be shoveled up, piled up, and plowed away in order to allow for cars and vans to get on the road.

Toward the back of my house, the snow sits undisturbed…except for a few deep footprints made from my boys playing last night. Piles of white snow rest on the tree branches, swingset, fence, and ground.  It ‘s like one of those serene Hallmark postcards.

Of course I know what’s underneath that snow in our backyard. Nothing but nasty brown mud.

Over time, my boys have worn a path down the middle of our backyard. Football is their sport of choice and the playing field runs between a set of trees in our yard. I used to try to grow grass back there but I have recently given up. Grass just doesn’t grow well with four boys running and sliding on it all the time. So for the most part our backyard is dusty dirt (in dry times) or goopy, shoe stickin’ mud (in wet times). We do have a few hardy weeds that seem to grow well despite the conditions. I have always wondered why someone hasn’t figured out a way to cross-breed the hardiness and fast spreading nature of a weed with the aesthetic beauty of a turf grass. Sounds like a money-maker to me.

Anyway, I am glad it is our backyard that looks so bad. I would be somewhat embarrassed if our muddy, weedy lawn was exposed daily for the frequent passersby on the road. As it is, we work hard keeping our little patch of a front yard looking nice and green and let our backyard fend for itself.

Sort of says a lot about human nature too. We all have front yards—our public face. We work hard making this look as nice as possible to the frequent passersby in our lives. We also all have back yards—our private lives. The parts of our lives that get worn down, tired, muddy, filled with distractions and weeds.

And snow is like grace. It covers over the mud. It changes the dinginess of dirt to the pure whiteness of snow.

Come now, and let us reason together, says the LORD, though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow… (Isaiah 1:18a)

God’s grace covers over our sin. Maybe “covers over” is not the best term since it implies a cosmetic over a blemish or a band-aid over a serious wound. But then again maybe it is a good term. After all the Bible says, Love will cover a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8b). Hatred stirs up strife but love covers all sins (Proverbs 10:12).

Love covers sin. Grace places a covering between the dirt of our lives and the pure holiness of God. That covering is the cleansing blood and clean righteousness of Jesus Christ.

The Christmas baby is God’s Christmas snow of grace. God’s white out.

But ironically the same snow that saves, that covers, that whitens everything dingy and dirty is a hassle to many. Grace is an irritant to the self-righteous. It must be shoveled away, cleared out. “Let’s get to the hardness of the sidewalk and get rid of this powdery white stuff.” And grace is an annoyance to the busy. “All of this love, relational stuff is great but I have got things to do and places to go. ”

But for those who have time to pause and reflect, for those who are intimately acquainted with the mud and dirt in their hearts, for those who have the eyes of faith, grace is a beautiful thing.

Posted in Achilles Rupture | Tagged | Leave a comment