Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother (Matthew 18:15).
Matthew 18:7-14 warns us about giving offense to a “little one” either through sinful actions or a sinful attitude. Matthew 18:15-17 deals with our response when we are the ones who are sinned against. Jesus covers both sides of the issue. We can sin against others and we can be sinned against.
So how do we respond when we are sinned against?
1. Have a heart of humility and compassion. The context makes it clear that biblical confrontation begins with a heart broken and humble before the Lord and compassionate and concerned for our fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord. If this is not there, then the confrontation will be self-serving even if the biblical step-by-step method is followed. Confrontation cannot be pursued as a way to make another person feel inferior to us in their Christian walk. Only when I come to the Lord as a “little one,” poor in spirit, broken over my own sin, hungry for His righteousness, and merciful toward others, can I confront with the right heart motive.
I have always loved and been challenged by this quote by Timothy Keller in his book, Counterfeit Gods:
Even in relationships that are not physically violent, but just unfair, you will not do a good job of confronting and correcting wrongdoers unless you first forgive them in your heart. If you don’t forgive the perpetrator, you will overreach in your confrontation. You will be seeking not justice or change but only to inflict pain. Your demands will be excessive and your attitude abusive. The wrongdoer will see the confrontation as intended simply to cause hurt. A cycle of retaliation will begin. Only when you have the lost the inner need to see the other person hurt will you have any chance of actually bringing about justice, change, and healing. (page 191)
2. See the one who sinned against you as a brother/sister. In the context, Jesus is talking about relationships in the community of believers. When someone outside the church sins against us, then we should still seek forgiveness and reconciliation as much as possible (Romans 12:18) but the circumstances and process may be a lot different. For instance, we shouldn’t go alone to someone who just committed a crime against us. We should take the police! But in relationships between professed believers, we should seek the avenue of peace first and foremost. And we should see them as brothers and sisters in Christ. Sometimes whenever another believer sins against us, we immediately doubt their salvation and begin to deride their Christian faith. We forget our own susceptibility to sin and propensity to offend others. We see the speck in their eye and overlook the beam in our own. But biblical confrontation is always in a “family context” seeking peace with my brother or sister in the Lord.
3. Go alone and talk with him alone first. Our first inclination when we are sinned against is to air our grievances to others. We want someone else to hear our pain and sympathize with us….and often agree with us that the other person is just plain evil and insensitive. But if humility is in our heart and reconciliation is our goal, then we go to the person alone and tell them how their actions have gone against God’s Word and hurt us. Practically, this is done with a “spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1). Not “I can’t believe you hurt me. How can you be so insensitive?” but rather “When you told my friends that I was dumb, it deeply hurt me and it was not a helpful thing to say (Ephesians 4:29).”
4. Go praying for restoration. I love how Jesus puts it, “If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” It is a financial term. You have made a great profit in your efforts. The richest person in the world is the one who lives in right relationship to God and has right relationship with his brothers and sisters in Christ. We are at a loss, we are in great debt, when we do not have peace with our spiritual family. That’s why we should endeavor (work hard, labor to the point of sweat) to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:3).
Relationships are not easy. I wish that these verses in Matthew 18 were easy to apply but they are not. There will be conflict in the church. There will be conflict in your family. There will be conflict in your marriage. It is a given. What separates a healthy church (or family or marriage) from an unhealthy one is not the absence of conflict but the humility and willingness to deal with the conflict in a Christ-honoring way.
Relationships are hard work but they are worth the sweat.
Lord, may I keep short accounts with my brothers and sisters in Christ. May I have the humility to love them as You have loved me and the courage to confront them in gentleness and truth when needed.
