1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3“that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” 4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:1-4)
In instructing households, Paul begins with husbands and wives (5:22-33). The marriage relationship forms the backbone of the family. The stability of the marriage bond will inevitably impact the stability of the family. As someone has said, “The best gift that parents can give their children is a good marriage between themselves.” And a good marriage is built when wives and husbands both subjugate their own wills to meet the deepest need of the other. Since a man’s heart desires to be respected, then the wife shows love to her husband by supporting him, cheering him on, and submitting to his leadership. And since a woman’s heart desires to be loved, then the husband shows love to his wife by cherishing her, honoring her, and demonstrating his willingness to lay down his life for her.
In Ephesians 6:1-4, Paul turns to the relationship of children and parents.
As a parent, I desire to be appreciated by my children. That to me is at the heart of honor. A grateful child will understand my heart, sense my love, trust me, and obey me. Obedience is better than disobedience. But we all know that children can obey on the outside and be angry on the inside (e.g., the older brother in the prodigal son story). The idea of honor is that the obedience comes from a heart of humility and gratitude. Even as adults, we can model this by showing honor to our own parents through appreciation and respect.
We can also help our children honor us by fulfilling our own responsibility toward them. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Paul specifically addresses fathers since they are to take the lead in the home; however, I think Paul’s words apply to both fathers and mothers.
As parents, we are called to shepherd our children, to instruct them, to guide them, to give them life skills, to teach them about God, and to model godliness before them. And we must do this without “exasperating” them. The Greek word, parorgizo, means “to provoke to anger or to stir up bitterness or frustration.” How do we do that? My own observation is that we provoke our children when we speak harshly, attack, criticize, blame them for our bad moods, and demand more from them than we are willing to do in our own lives.
Bottom line, the family is the proving ground of our faith. A 19th century American pastor named T.D. Talmage once said, “Home is a mighty test of character. What you are at home you are everywhere, whether you demonstrate it or not.”
Whoa. We all need to do our own heart check, don’t we? The ironic thing about Paul’s words in Ephesians 5-6 is that we often focus more on the responsibilities of the other person than we do on our own. Wives complain that their husbands don’t love them. Husbands complain that their wives don’t respect them. Children complain that their parents are unfair. And parents complain that their children are ungrateful. Instead, Paul addresses each of us and says, “Focus on your own responsibility and leave the heart of the other person in God’s hands.”
Lord, help me to be faithful as a husband and as a father. May my wife know that she is #1 in my life and that my eyes and heart are focused on her. May my children know that I love the Lord, love their mom, and want the best for them. May they see it in my actions and hear it in the tone of my voice.
