Forgiving and Reconciling

Posted on February 11, 2011 by Steve Foster

This is a post I originally made on December 6, 2009. I am re-posting it in light of a sermon I am working on in Matthew 5:21-26.

Everett L. Worthington, Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope (InterVarsity Press, 2003)

I picked up this book several years ago at a conference. It sat on my shelf with nary a glance inside its covers. However, recent conflicts in my extended family and in families within the church caused me to take a look at what it said.

Worthington is professor and chair of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University. He is also a believer in Jesus Christ. His book draws insight from both psychological research and biblical principles.

Worthington’s book has enormous credibility because of his own life experience. At the time he was doing extensive research on the nature and process of forgiveness, his mother was brutally beaten with a crowbar, sexually assaulted, and left to bleed to death in her own home by two would-be robbers. Her murder tested Worthington’s own understanding and practice of forgiveness.

The first challenge in forgiveness is wanting to forgive. As C.S. Lewis, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have someone to forgive.” When we are hurt, offended, betrayed, neglected, forsaken, or abused the last thing we want to do is forgive. We want justice not mercy.

Worthington details two primary motivations for forgiveness:

  1. For personal benefit. Many research studies show that forgiveness reduces anger and stress and brings spiritual, emotional and even physical health to the forgiver.
  2. For the benefit of the other person. The offender needs forgiveness. And as we empathize with them and show grace to them, we come to a greater understanding and experience of the grace of God.

Surprisingly, Worthington’s research showed that people who forgave for their own benefit had less long-term peace and less lasting results than those who forgave others as an altruistic gift of grace. He concludes, “Forgiveness is for giving, not for getting” (27).

Next, Worthington defines some terms.

  • Unforgiveness is not just the hurt, anger, or fear that someone experiences when wronged, but rather the state of mind and attitude that develops after prolonged rumination on the transgression. “Unforgiveness must ripen through rumination. Only after mentally replaying the transgression, the motives of the transgressor and the consequences of the transgression do we become unforgiving. It takes time and reflection to develop unforgiveness” (31-32).
  • Forbearance is the inhibition of initial revenge and the avoidance of immediate retaliatory words, actions and motivations.
  • Decisional forgiveness is the promise not to act in revenge or avoidance in the future because of the transgression.
  • Emotional forgiveness is the replacement of the negative emotions associated with unforgiveness with other-centered emotions such as empathy, compassion, and love.

Worthington believes that too many Christians stop at forbearance or, at best, decisional forgiveness. He argues that true biblical forgiveness goes one step further to emotional forgiveness. The father of the prodigal son in Luke 15 is the model of both decisional and emotional forgiveness. God wants us not only to decide to forgive but also to forgive “from the heart” (Matthew 18:35). Such forgiveness can only be done through the power of the Holy Spirit (not our own strength); thus such forgiveness is the heart of Christianity.

Worthington provides five essential elements in the process of emotional forgiveness. The five elements form the acronym REACH.

  • Recall the hurt. “You can’t forgive in the abstract. Forgiveness occurs when you work through specific events with specific people” (77). “Instead of suppressing our feelings, we must come to grips with them. Instead of turning from the fear and anger, we must face them” (85). However, “we should try to recall the hurt as objectively as we can” (87). Hurt feelings have a way of distorting our perceptions. One offense gets multiplied in our minds. And we conveniently forget our own part in the conflict and tend to see ourselves as “innocent victims  who were cruelly abused. While sometimes that is accurate, most of the time events that lead to unforgiveness have more than one side to them” (87).
  • Empathize. Emotional forgiveness depends on the willingness to see the situation through the eyes of the other person. “Most people want to get along more than they want to fight. …So when people hurt or offend me, I should consider whether they feel I have threatened them—whether I have really done so or not. …Why might the person have hurt me? Is he or she covering vulnerability, responding to the situation, trying to survive or reacting to a painful past?” (104-5). One helpful technique is the empty chair where you imagine sitting in the seat of the person who hurt you and explain, in their words, what happened and how they felt at the time. Learn to walk a mile in their shoes, so to speak.
  • Altruistic gift of forgiveness. “When we are wronged, it is easy to feel morally superior. To forgive I needed to go beyond empathy. I did that when I was able to see myself as not so different from the murderer” (115). Humility is essential to forgiveness. Humility recognizes that I am a sinner in need of grace as much as the person who hurt me. In giving forgiveness, one remembers that they have received forgiveness from God and also from others at some point in their lives.
  • Commit publicly to forgive. “If I wall hard-won forgiveness inside my heart by confining it to a private experience, then doubts can creep in. But if I do or say something to indicate that I have forgiven, those acts add bodily experiences that announce to my brain that I have forgiven. My words and actions become a public record that I have forgiven. It becomes harder to doubt that my forgiveness was real” (135).
  • Hold on to forgiveness. “…Hurt does not equal unforgiveness” (146). We will still feel the hurt from time to time but as long as we do not drift back into rumination and an unforgiving spirit, then we can hold onto forgiveness through the pain.

In the next section of the book, Worthington addresses reconciliation. While forgiveness is a personal act in one’s heart, reconciliation is a relational act between two people. “Reconciliation is defined as reestablishing trust in a relationship after trust has been violated” (42). Forgiveness does not automatically lead to reconciliation. For instance, a person betrayed by marital infidelity can forgive their spouse and yet not experience reconciliation if the spouse refuses to repent and continues in their sin.

I had never really thought through the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. It helped me understand mankind’s relationship with God. Because of Christ’s death, all sins have been paid for and forgiven. But reconciliation between God and man can only occur when a person turns, acknowledges sin, and embraces that forgiveness. Forgiveness is one way. Reconciliation is two way. Forgiveness removes the barriers and opens the door to relationship. Reconciliation is the movement of both parties into that relationship.

Reconciliation in human relationships is a touchier process than forgiveness because it requires two (or more) people to move toward each other in understanding and forgiveness.

One thing clear in Scripture is that whether we are the offender or the offendee, as Christians, we are to take the initiative in trying to make things right (Matthew 5:23-24, 18:15-17).

Worthington details four steps that must be taken by both sides for relationship and trust to be restored. He calls this the Bridge to Reconciliation.

  1. Decide to reconcile. “Reconciliation entails risk. People put their time, effort and egos on the line when they try to repair trust. We risk being taken advantage of. Even thinking about reconciling is risky. It requires us to consider our own part in a relationship. What if I’m to blame? What if I confess my part? Do I diffuse the other person’s responsibility? Will it let him or her off the hook? Will he or she seize on this as an admission that I am to blame? If I admit wrongdoing and the other person doesn’t, does this lower my bargaining power? Does it make it less likely that the other person will want to reconcile? Do I set myself up to clean toilets for the rest of my life because I am now one down to the other person? These and many more risks are inherent in seeking reconciliation. It’s no wonder that most people let damaged relationships, like sleeping dogs, lie. They might get bitten” (178).
  2. Discuss. This step has the potential to bring healing or further explosion thus it must be undertaken by both sides with humility and a desire to understand. “Two self-identified victims are usually found in relationships both blaming the other. Both ‘victims’ usually believe that they perceive the events correctly. The other person is, thus, wrong (at best) or lying (at worst)” (191). How a person gives a reproach is key. If the reproach is perceived as an attack, then it will usually result in defensiveness and further alienation. However, if the reproach is worded gently, without an assumption of the other person’s motives, then discussion can be fruitful. For example, “When you insulted me, I was surprised and hurt. You are usually not this way. Can you tell me what was going on? Help me understand.”
  3. Detoxify. Research indicates that relationships deteriorate in a common four-step progression. First is criticism (first mentally then verbally), then defensiveness (I have done nothing wrong), then contempt of the person as a whole (they’re a jerk), then a cold war (they will not ever hurt me again). In the end, a person sees only the negative in the other person. Even positive traits or actions can be interpreted negatively. “They are only trying to flatter me.” Detoxifying the relationship requires a conscious effort to re-see the person in a positive light. Contempt and defensiveness must be overcome, and criticism must be balanced with grace. “…Make a list of the other person’s good qualities and another list of the pressures on him or her. It’s hard not to feel at least some empathy when you’re looking at a list in black and white” (233).
  4. Devote. The final step is to commit to love the other person despite their flaws. This step often requires a grieving process—where we recognize and grieve over what we have lost but choose to move forward with hope in the relationship.

At the end of the book, Worthington acknowledges that no amount of research or study can make forgiveness and/or reconciliation a reality. “In the end, though, a science of forgiveness—even when coupled with knowledge of forgiveness from theology and the humanities—can take us only so far. It’s a long plunge from a hurt and unforgiving heart into the refreshing water of a heart at rest in forgiveness. Knowledge won’t make us jump. We can stand at the brink knowing how to forgive but not willing to jump” (257).

We cannot make or demand that someone reconcile with us. We can only open the door through forgiveness and then invite the person in. “No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside” (258).

As the apostle Paul says, If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men (Romans 12:18). Part of living peaceably with others…and following after Jesus Christ…is forbearing, forgiving, and seeking reconciliation.

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Impacting Culture

Posted on January 28, 2011 by Steve Foster

13“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men.

14 “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. 16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

How do we make an impact in this community? In this nation? If you are like me, sometimes after watching the news or reading the paper, you can become overwhelmed. There is so much need in this world and so many temptations. It seems like our culture is headed downhill fast and we are powerless to stop it.

So what’s the solution? Greater political power? More money? Bigger publicity? Aggressive activism? It is easy to head down those paths. But they are not to be our primary focus.

As Jesus spoke this Sermon on the Mount, He was not speaking into a cultural vacuum. They had the same questions and struggles that we have today. They looked around at the Greco-Roman influence permeating the land of Israel. Temples to pagan gods. Immoral bathhouses. Sexual promiscuity. The lure of Roman pleasure, power and materialism. That’s why they were eagerly waiting for the Messiah to come and get rid of the “evil Romans” and re-establish Jewishness and morality into the land. They were more patriotic than we are in that regard. They were the nation of Israel, the chosen people, God’s special treasure. How could they be under the thumb of pagan Rome?

But Jesus’ pathway is different. His kingdom operates under different principles. Jesus did not come to join any political party or religious organization but to teach His people how to live differently in the world, to be citizens of His kingdom first and foremost.

So the Beatitudes are not just nice moral values to add to our virtue list. They are a call to a radical re-ordering of the way we think and live. We begin by recognizing our absolute need and dependence on God–being poor in spirit, mourning over sin, being submissive, hungering and thirsting for righteousness. Then these heart attitudes progressively begin to transform the way we live–becoming merciful to others, living in integrity and purity, acting as ministers of reconciliation in the world, and willing to suffer if necessary for our faith.

That kind of life reflects the King and impacts the world…one life at a time.

It is slower than we like. It took the early church 200-300 years to radically transform the Roman empire. But though it is slower, it is more real, more effective, and more lasting. A small group of people with little resources, no military power, no political representation, and no fear of death eventually conquered the largest empire on the earth. Wow.

So when Jesus says, you are the salt of the earth and you are the light of the world, His point is that being a kingdom citizen and becoming more and more like our King makes a powerful impact on this world.

Salt preserves. It hinders the process of decay and corruption. By reflecting the character of Christ, we act as preservatives in our culture.

Light shines. It attracts people’s attention and points them to the greater Light of Christ. By living out our faith and showing compassion, we “adorn” the doctrine of God and encourage people to yield their lives to Him.

Godly character and good works open the door for the good news of Jesus Christ. And that begins to change a culture from the inside out.

What makes us ineffective as believers is when we “lose our saltiness” and/or “hide our light.” In other words, either we become so identified with the world that no one can see a difference in the way we live or we become so separate and isolated from the world that no one can see us at all. We must be in the world but not of the world. A delicate balance. And only achieved by daily dependence on the Spirit of God.

The spiritual beggar, broken over his sin, yielded to God, hungering for Him, merciful to others, living in integrity, pursuing peace, and willing to suffer overcomes the world.

Lord, transform my heart, fill me with Your Spirit, shine Your light through me, and help me to live like a citizen of Your kingdom today.

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Growing in the Wilderness

Posted on January 3, 2011 by Steve Foster

And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil… (Matthew 3:17, Matthew 4:1)

Sometimes chapter divisions (which were added to the Bible in the 1200’s to help with reading) cause us to miss the real flow of the Bible’s message. It is especially true with the ending of Matthew 3 and the beginning of chapter 4. There is no break here. God’s declaration at Jesus’ baptism…”This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased”…is immediately followed by…Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil.

Matthew wanted to connect these two statements. Jesus’ testing in the wilderness was not a sign that God abandoned Him or did not love Him. In fact, it was just the opposite. God’s love for His Son actually brought Him to the place of testing. God was well-pleased with Jesus thus He led Him to a place where Jesus’ obedience and love for His Father could be displayed.

It’s a wild thought…a thought that runs contrary to our thinking. We often think, “If God loves me, then He will protect me from all trials and difficulties.” Or we often think when we are in a difficult time in our lives, “Why is God allowing this to happen? I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t deserve this. What is going on? Is God real? Is He there? Does He love me?” Our formula for life is simple:

Godly living + God’s favor = Good life (i.e., no major problems in life)

When this formula is interrupted by trials, we do not know what to do. We start blaming God, doubting Him. But the problem is not with God but with our formula.

Jesus’ obedience (godly living) and God’s favor (This is my beloved Son in whom I am well-pleased) actually led to the wilderness of testing. Jesus spent forty days in physical hunger and suffering and then at the end of that time faced an emotional and spiritual battle with Satan himself. It was such a grueling time in His life that He needed angelic ministry to recover after it was over. But this was part of God’s plan….part of His good plan.

Matthew 3:17-4:1 teaches us that formula of discipleship looks more like this…

Godly living + God’s favor + Periods of testing = Abundant life (i.e., increased dependence on God and joy in Him)

Hebrews 5:8 tells us that although he [Jesus] was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered. Jesus learned obedience in the wilderness. He learned to put God above his physical desires (stones to bread), above personal pride and applause (jumping from temple), above the hunger for things or possessions (the offer of the whole world). In short, he learned to put God above Himself…which is the only true path to the “good life.” This could only be learned in the wilderness.

What does that mean to me? It means that as much as I hate being in the wilderness…being in difficult times, being physically weakened, being emotionally drained, being spiritually stretched…that these are times that God is refining me, changing me, removing elements of pride and self-sufficiency, and teaching me to depend on Him. Why does God allow this? Not to harm me…but to keep me from destroying myself in my own pride. Not to give me a miserable life…but to ultimately give me an abundant life. Not to discourage me…but to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

Lord, I do not like being in the wilderness…but when I am there give me the strength and faith to rely on You, to trust You…and when it is over minister to me with Your angels.

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Joseph the Dreamer

Posted on December 24, 2010 by Steve Foster

19 Now when Herod was dead, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt, 20 saying, “Arise, take the young Child and His mother, and go to the land of Israel, for those who sought the young Child’s life are dead.” 21 Then he arose, took the young Child and His mother, and came into the land of Israel.

22 But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning over Judea instead of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. And being warned by God in a dream, he turned aside into the region of Galilee. 23 And he came and dwelt in a city called Nazareth, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophets, “He shall be called a Nazarene.” (Matthew 2:19-23)

For some reason, my mind is drawn to Joseph this morning as I read this passage. Normally, Joseph takes a backseat in the Christmas story. Of course, the focus is on Jesus, as it should be. But after Jesus, people tend to focus on Mary, the wise men, the shepherds, the angels, even the star. Joseph seems to be the “behind the scenes” guy. The silent, quiet husband of Mary and legal guardian of Jesus.

Joseph passes off the scene after this account in Matthew 2. He is mentioned in Luke’s account of the Christmas story but never says a word. And by the time Jesus begins His public ministry, Joseph is gone, apparently dying before Jesus reaches the age of 30.

So we don’t know much about Joseph except that he was a “just man” with a merciful, compassionate heart (Matthew 1:19).

But in Matthew 2, we see Joseph in action. Joseph has three separate dreams in this chapter (2:13, 19-20, 22). Adding the dream he had in chapter 1, that makes four times that God speaks to Joseph in a dream and gives a command or warning. Each time Joseph immediately and obediently responds.

It is sort of ironic that Joseph’s namesake in the OT was also an obedient, compassionate man who was often directed by dreams. The Joseph of the OT was sold into Egypt by his jealous brothers. The Joseph of the NT escapes into Egypt to escape a jealous king.

Joseph was not the biological father of Jesus. Yet God entrusted His Son to this man. Joseph acted as the protector of the infant Jesus in this chapter. Later, Joseph also fed Him, provided for Him, raised Him, trained Him as a carpenter, taught him about God, and prayed with Him at night. Imagine a man raising God in the flesh. Imagine a man teaching the Son of God about His Father. It boggles the mind.

God does not look at the outward appearance of a man but at his heart. With that in mind, Joseph must have been one of the most faithful men to ever walk the earth. He was quiet but strong. He was simple but deep. He was poor but rich in faith. He was just a carpenter but also the earthly father of the Son of God.

I take encouragement from Joseph. Spirituality is not the “bright lights” of great acts for God. It is being sensitive to the voice of God and being faithful to what He has called you to…whatever that may be. In Joseph’s case, it was simply loving and caring for his wife, protecting his child, providing for his family, working hard, and hearing God.

The last part of Matthew 2 tells us that Jesus fulfilled what was spoken of by the prophets that He would be called a Nazarene. There is much debate on what this means. There is no direct quote in the OT that says these words. Some see a play on words with the Hebrew word, nezer, being the word for “branch.” Jesus is called the “branch of David” in Isaiah 11:1. But more likely Matthew is reflecting on a general theme in all the prophets (plural) that the Messiah would be despised, lightly regarded, and rejected by men. The great King of the Universe would be called a “Nazarene” by men. “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” would be Nathaniel’s first words when he hears about Jesus (John 1:46). Nazareth, the podunk town with backwoods people, certainly couldn’t be the place where the Messiah would grow up. But it was.

And the same God who entered the world in a stable, had his first crib in a feeding trough, and died on the cross as a criminal…also chooses simple men like Joseph to change the world.

Posted in Christmas Devotionals | Leave a comment

Achilles Rupture: One Year Later

Posted on November 26, 2010 by Steve Foster
Achilles tendon

Achilles tendon one year after surgery.

On November 21, 2009, I ruptured my Achilles tendon during a taekwondo graduation. Three days later I underwent surgery to repair it. The recovery time was six months to a year. I am at that year mark.

Overall the tendon feels pretty good. My range of motion seems to be back to normal. I can walk without any problem. Running has been a little more of a challenge.

I ran on the tendon for the first time in July just to see what it felt like. Surprisingly it felt normal. But I didn’t push it too hard. Since then I have ridden my bike around the neighborhood, swam a few laps in the community pool, and played some light games of basketball with my boys. Nothing too serious or strenuous. Then a few weeks ago I decided to go jogging again. I wanted to go a few blocks around my neighborhood.  The tendon felt good; my stamina was pathetic.

Before the rupture, I was about as active as I had been in my life. I was jogging two to three times a week and participating regularly in taekwondo. I was feeling fairly young. The rupture quickly reminded me that I wasn’t.

Six months of inactivity takes its toll. Not only do you lose some of the flexibility and mobility but you also lose the stamina and the desire. You form new habits. And for me, jogging and taekwondo were no longer a part of them.

Yesterday, on Thanksgiving, I did play a game of touch football. It was a different type of running. Cutting. Running backwards. Quick stops and starts. I was mindful of the tendon and I felt it twinge here and there but overall it felt good and some of my quickness still seemed to be there. So I guess I am fully recovered even if I am now out of shape.

The surgery scar still bothers me at times. I can’t wear shoes with a hard back or ones that slip up and down on my heel. I had a pair of nice golf shoes I had to stop wearing after they nearly rubbed a blister on the back on my heel.  I sometimes wear an extra pair of socks just to keep the back of my heel as cushioned as possible.

But as I reflect on the past year I realize that so much more has happened than just the recovery of my tendon or wearing extra socks. Life has changed for me.

Whether it was providential or not, my snapped tendon occurred at the same time as a major juncture in my life. After twelve satisfying years as an associate pastor in NJ, I suddenly had a choice to make. An opportunity presented itself to pastor a church in Baton Rouge, LA. My phone interview took place several days after my Achilles surgery. My visit to Baton Rouge took place near the end of my physical therapy.

It was a big decision…one of those decisions that affects the trajectory of the rest of your life. And with a wife and four kids, it was a decision that also affected them and their lives. New city. New church. New neighborhood. New friendships. New routines. New responsibilities. New doctors. New grocery stores. New events in life. New futures. What friendships (and influences) my boys will have in their teen years, where they will go to college, and who they will marry were probably all changed when we moved here.

But the Lord was gracious. He led in so many ways. He didn’t have to confirm anything…yet He did…in ways that I could see.

So why the Achilles rupture near the same time? Was there a purpose? I obviously can’t say for sure. But I think there was a reason. On one level, the rupture reminded me that I wasn’t young any more. It was time for a transition…not only in my physical activity but also in my ministry. If I was going to pursue my desire to lead and pastor a church, then the time was now.

But on a higher level, the rupture reminded me of my weakness. It reminded me of how easily I can be taken down. There is no room for pride in any of us. We are all mortal beings with fragile bodies living with borrowed breath from our Creator. And whenever we think we are strong, it only takes something as small as a snapped tendon to drop us to our knees.

So before putting His sheep in my care, God wanted to remind me again who I am. I am a weak vessel with a great treasure serving a great God for His glory…not my own. And if I forget that, then He can take me down in a heartbeat.

I have the scar to prove it.

Posted in Achilles Rupture | 13 Comments